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THIS WEEK IN HISTORY

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THIS WEEK IN THE FUTURE

Your high school and college textbooks redact history, so why can't I?

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WEEK 4, JANUARY 1977

Democrat President Jimmy Carter pardons the Vietnam War draft dodging cowards, giving them the same legal status as the privileged class of cowards who received deferments from the draft while in college or avoided the draft by joining the National Guard, and who later became national political leaders for both political parties in the 1990s and 2000s.

WEEK 4, JANUARY 2011

Liberal cowards continue to hold protests of the Afghan War in front of military recruiting stations. Few people understand why they would protest an all-volunteer military. The reason is they are not protesting the war, everybody is anti-war. They are protesting something they hate even more than war, the military itself.

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WEEK 3, JANUARY 2008

Presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton gets weepy at a news conference in NH following her 3d place Iowa defeat. Her calculated tears help her win the NH primary.

WEEK 3, JANUARY 2012

Hillary tracks down former Senator John Edwards and makes him cry after blaming him for her 2008 Iowa loss. Edwards had siphoned precious votes away from Hillary in Iowa causing her to lose the vote (while having an affair with a staffer and his wife was stricken with cancer)

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WEEK 2, JANUARY 1896

Fannie Farmer publishes her 1st cookbook. Fannie is one of the first female chefs to enter the male-dominated business. She is accused of sexing-up cooking.

WEEK 2, JANUARY 2018

50-year-old celebrity chef Rachel Ray decides to recreate her provactive FHM lad-magazine poses from 2003. It just isn’t the same after 15 years and her Dunkin’ Donuts endorsement.

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WEEK 1, JANUARY 2009

The Detroit Lions finished the season 0-16 with a 31-21 loss to the Green Bay Packers. This is the first time in National Football League history that a team goes winless in a 16-game season. This event follows the milestone 2007 New England Patriots eam that finished 16-0. Football karma is achieved.

WEEK 1, JANUARY 2011

The teammates on the number 3 ranked college football team come to the conclusion that their snubbing for the national championship bowl game is okay. Their coach explains, “Even though we are undefeated and the top two teams both have one loss, we don’t have a problem with that. I have taught the team and our fans to accept the rating system that is in place regardless of the perceived lack of fairness and objectivity. Rules are rules. It hurts not to be in the SEC or Big-12 but that’s life, we just enjoy playing the game and graduating our seniors.”

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WEEK 4, DECEMBER 2006

Actor Matt Damon states that an underclass existed in the US that fought the country’s wars because they had no other options in life.Obviously, the ideals of service to country and volunteering for something bigger than self are inspirations that are foreign to the pampered Hollywood elitist.

WEEK 4, DECEMBER 2016

The American public starts to realize that an underclass of
hypocritical self-loving high functioning morons known as actors exist in the US and make money off of war movies and other gun fighting roles even though most of them state they are against war and guns in their real life.

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WEEK 3, DECEMBER 1689

King William II (of Orange) from the Netherlands and his wife Queen Mary II start a joint rule over England. The Protestant couple is the first to rule England under a constitutional monarchy form of government which helped stabilize the monarchy's stormy relationship with the English Parliament which had been at odds with them since the English Civil War of the 1640s. It also finally secured a Protestant monarchy for the kingdom which had been facing a religious battle with Catholics since Henry VIII had broken away from the papacy in 1532.

WEEK 3, DECEMBER 2019

Upon the death of Queen Elizabeth the Very Old, the 71-year-old Prince Charles finally becomes King of England with his wife Queen Camilla of Horseface. Charles chooses the name of Charles III apparently unaware of the disastrous reigns of Charles I and Charles II

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WEEK 2, DECEMBER 2008

President George W. Bush made his fourth and final trip to Iraq as US President and almost gets struck by two shoes thrown at him by Iraqijournalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi during a farewell conference in Baghdad. Perhaps Mr. al-Zaidi preferred the freedom of the press that he received from Saddam Hussein

WEEK 2, DECEMBER 2010

TIME Magazine labels the ‘00s as the decade of the mainstream media’s lost credibility. Their political bias and lack of ethics had been revealed by Dan Rather’s memogate, the New York Times’ Jayson Blair scandal, the Houston Chronicle’s Light Rail scandal, USAToday’s Jack Kelly problems, the Boston Globe’s fabricated stories about gang rapes by US soldiers, Linda Foley’s claims that the military was targeting journalists, Newsweek’s Gitmo Quran toilet flushing, and the AP’s use of discredited sources in Iraq (Jamil Hussein) and Hezbollah stringers against Israel. Historians point out that this problem actually first
started bubbling to the surface in the 90s with CNN's fictional
Operation Tailwind story, the Boston Globe's Patricia Smith and Mike Barnicle, and NBC's exploding pickup trucks.

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WEEK 1, DECEMBER 1929

The Great Depression: US President Herbert Hoover announces to the U.S. Congress that the worst effects of the recent stock market crash are behind the nation and the American people have regained faith in the economy.

WEEK 1, DECEMBER 2010

The Second Great Depression: US President Barack Obama announces to the U.S. Congress that the worst effects of the recent stock market crash are behind the nation and the American people have regained faith in the economy.