environmentology and gorenetics

SOMETHING AIN'T RIGHT RECENTLY INTERVIEWED FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT AL GORE JR. (D-TN). WE TALKED ABOUT HIS NEW RELIGION AND HIS NEW WAY OF LIFE

ENVIRONMENTOLOGY

GORENETICS

We caught up to Al as he was leaving his church in Cathage, TN AL: REJOICE!! IT'S THE NEW RELIGION OF ENVIRONMENTOLOGY!! WE MUST BE PUNISHED FOR HARMING THE PLANET!! REJOICE!! The crowd went wild!!
SOMETHINGAIN'TRIGHT: Mr. Gore, is this religion a new cult? AL: CULT!! Let me explain this to you! This is the religion of Mother Earth!
SAR: Al, go back to your old wooden self and tell us about your new religion. AL: Environmentology is a new religion where we bring people into perfect harmony with nature. We even have a Bible with an Old and New Testament. We think in historical terms of "B60" and "AN"- Before the 60s and Anno Natura, in the year of our nature. Our Eden was the rain forest. Our Armageddon is the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge.
SAR: Go on please (giggle) AL: Our Old Testament prophets include Marx, Engels, W.E.B. Dubois, Susan B Anthony, Helen Keller, Georg Hegel, Margaret Sanger, Thomas Malthus, Langston Hughes, and Farrell Dobbs. Our New Testament prophets include Angela Davis, Bobby Seale, Abbie Hoffman, Noam Chomsky, Jean Paul Sartre, Betty Friedan, Ward Churchill, Fidel Castro, Arlo Guthrie, and Che Guevara. Rest in peace Che.
AL: We have XII Commandments in our religion: I. Nature is the Lord your God II. Thou shalt have idols III. Thou shalt believe all spurious claims of environmental disaster IV. Remember Earth Day and keep it holy V. Thou shalt honor thy government, when liberals are in charge VI. Thou shalt not murder, except in cases of abortion
VII. Thou shalt commit adultery VIII. Thou shalt not steal unless committing wealth redistribution IX. Remember the poor, and keep them poor by providing handouts X. Thou shalt not bear false witness against another liberal XI. Thou shalt covet thy neighbors house if it is bigger than yours XII. These are value neutral and morally relative commandments. They may be changed to fit a current need AL: Not bad for a divinity school drop out (har, har)
SAR: Do you have a religious symbol such as a cross or a crescent? AL: Yes, indeed. We have the hippygon. Nature is made of seven elements (in order of precedence); GAIA, animals, plants, water, air, soil, and man. The hippygon is a seven-sided shape that we demonstrate like so.
SAR: I don't get it. Hippygon? AL: Let me draw you a picture. Nature has many natural examples of seven-sided symbols.
SAR: Gaia? You mentioned Gaia? AL: Praise GAIA! Mother God of Earth!
SAR: Do you know Captain Planet? AL: GAIA I SUMMON YOU!! STRIKE DOWN THIS INFIDEL!!
SAR: Al you're getting weird again AL: When are you going to take global warming seriously? We must cut pollution by any means necessary! Throughout most of my life, I've raised this issue. I want you to know that with my own hands, all of my life, I put it in the headlines and fought it. I've hoed it. I've dug in it. I've sprayed it, I've chopped it, I've shredded it, spiked it, put it in the barn and stripped it.
AL: It's fists against fluorocarbons! We must punish anybody who harms Mother Earth.
SAR: Isn't this just all about wealth redistribution? Leveling down big producers like the US and transferring political power to the "compassionate" environmental liberals such as yourself? AL: We are going to take control and I will be in charge!
SAR: Al, doesn't everybody want a clean, sustainable environment? Do you think you and your disciples might really be protesting something else? Say capitalism? US hegemony? AL: Why don't you want to join me?
SAR: Al, don't you tend to ignore levelheaded theories on global warming and only believe the cataclysmic theories, which coincidentally are better tailored for raising money? AL: I must go now to another service. Please take a picture of me in this canoe as I row 10-yards down the river to my awaiting Buick
At his next stop AL: I am the high priest of Environmentalism!
Later that day: SAR: Can we discuss Gorenetics? AL: Gorenetics is a method of alleviating spiritual trauma caused by pollution, capitalism, and conservatives!
AL: Look what it did for me, I went from pasty to sun-tanned
SAR: Isn't Gorenetics just a rip off of Dianetics? AL: Absolutely not! Dianetics has Operating Thetans, we have Operating Cretins. Here's a picture of our Cretins using Gorenetics to clear their mind of the thought process. "We don't have to die! We can live forever vicariously through nature!"
AL: Gorenetics gave my personality.
AL: It made me spontaneous. This is my spontaneous pose.
AL: It's better than Viagra! It brought me and Tipper back to our "Love Story" days.
SAR: Can you tell us more? AL: Let me explain. After a sizable donation of money to the church you can start your auditing.
SAR: See! You said auditing! I told you it was a ripoff of Dianetics! AL: Not true. The auditing in Dianetics consists of you sitting down with another Scientologist and discusses events in your life, and how you feel. My auditing consists of you sitting quietly and listening to one of my lengthy powerpoint slide shows. Now watch.
AL: Look into the light, empty your head of thoughts, concentrate on me. It's easy. SAR: Uhhhhh. I am having feelings of irrational, fearful, and nightmarish environmental disasters everywhere. I need to write "National Geographic" articles. Malthus! Malthus!
AL: Only 70 more powerpoint slides to go SAR: Uhhhhh
AL: I am the prophet Al! SAR: Whoooooaaa! Wait! Let me snap out of this.
AL: Look into my eyes. Join me!! SAR: You've got the wrong guy
SAR: So what does all this auditing lead to? AL: Operating Cretin VIII is our highest level. I reached it briefly only once. I was giving a speech. Here is a rare photo.
SAR: Can we discuss the political aspects of all this? AL: THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME!
SAR: I haven't even asked the first question ye... AL: I AM DOING THIS FOR YOU AND THE CHILDREN!
SAR: I was about to... AL: Why don't you trust me?
SAR: I was just about to ask a... AL: I AM NOT BITTER ABOUT THE 2000 ELECTION!!
SAR: Al, calm down please. Didn't Tipper become an advocate for the mentally ill about the time you lost the election and grew a beard? Here's a picture. AL: Didn't I look like a sagacious prophet?
SAR: And speaking of Tipper, I believe she helped to organize the Parents Resource Music Center to protest violence, sex and drugs in pop music. What does she think about your unholy alliance with MTV? AL: Well she will have to forgive me, afterall I took the initiative in inventing MTV. Tipper please forgive me.
SAR: Back to the politics, Al. You guilt people about their carbon footprint yet you travel around the country in chartered jets, limousines and SUVs. You own a 10,000 sq ft home in Nashville, a 4,000 sq ft home in Arlington, a home in Carthage, and a luxury condo in San Francisco. I can't even imagine your dry cleaning bill, perhaps you use recycled petroleum by-products from your Occidental Petroleum stock. Why the double standard? AL: Surely you don't expect me to ride coach class? Ahhh, um, er, I think this interview has gone on long enough.
SAR: Are your biggest worries the heavy polluters? Or is it the moderate scientists and free market entrepreneurs who are looking for sensible solutions to our environmental issues? Do you fear that they may use rationality instead of histrionics and take your issue away from you. AL: Ahh, um, er, there goes a polluter now, I must give chase.
SAR: Okay Al, you've been a good sport, I will give you the last word. AL: Now is the time to donate to save the planet. Just go to www.worstcasescenario.alarmism.catastrophe.- apocalypse.halliburtonissatan.com All of your donations go to saving the planet!