|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
WHAT WILL KILL OR HURT YOU THIS SUMMER
Here is a public service announcement repeating what the mainstream media will continuously warn us about and dwell on all summer long (fear is good for ratings). Enjoy your summer.
WEATHER: Tornadoes, hurricanes, lightning, flash flooding, droughts, heat waves, the sun (melanoma, sunburn, and heat injuries), wildfires, mudslides
INSECTS: Deer ticks (Lyme disease), mosquitoes (encephalitis, West Nile Virus), killer bees, fire ants
ANIMALS: Sharks, jellyfish, dog bites, rabies, snakebites
DISEASE- Plague from Prairie Dogs and rat feces
HOME: Carcinogens in your barbecued meat, picnic salmonella and botulism, fireworks, drowning in your swimming pool, bicycles, backyard trampolines, ladder falls. Remember to sanitize everything
VACATION: Airplane crashes, cruise ship epidemic gastrointestinal diseases
NEIGHBORHOOD: Strangers, the playground, poopies in the public swimming pools, drunk drivers, drunken boaters
NEW THIS YEAR: The Swine Flu and pirates. Yes, Pirates! We can thank the Muslims for bringing us back to the 17th century xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Why are men reluctant to get checked for prostate and testicular cancer? I have one possible explanation. Here is my man cancer-scare story (Safe For Work and Lunch-but not my dignity)
I was 33-years-olds and living in Manchester, NH, serving as a US Army Recruiter when one day I discovered I had a lump on one of my testicles. I called the Army health insurance system and requested an appointment with an urologist. They told me that I would have to go to a local hospital emergency room and get a referral.
So I reported to the patient-packed emergency room of the local hospital in the middle of the afternoon. It wasn’t the nicest neighborhood so the receptionist was located in a cubicle behind a bullet-proof glass window. She asked me what I was there for. I said quietly, “I found a lump on one of my testicles.”
She said, “What?”
I said, “I found a lump on one of my testicles.”
She said, “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.” The two-inch thick glass between us was impeding our conversation so I had to raise my voice.
I repeated, “I FOUND A LUMP ON ONE OF MY TESTICLES.” This immediately caused everyone in the waiting room to look up and slowly start moving away from me.
She asked, “How many sexual partners do you have?”
Confused, I said, “I beg your pardon?”
Thinking that I couldn’t hear her, she repeated, “HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS DO YOU HAVE?” I could literally feel the stares of all of the other patients who suddenly found themselves transported to the Jerry Springer studio audience.
I said, “I ONLY HAVE ONE, I AM HAPPILY MARRIED.” I could sense the disbelief of the other patients as they observed a soldier in uniform claiming that he only had one sex partner.
After the interrogation was over, I finished checking in and filling out the paperwork. I found a dark and quiet corner of the waiting room or my self-imposed exile from the other patients who must by then thought that I was as dangerous as a leper. After a long wait, I was called into the examining room.
A nurse came in and after reading the paperwork repeated the same line of questioning about my sex life. Perhaps she thought that I had sex in the waiting room with a random stranger. She took my vitals and said the doctor would see me soon.
After another anxious wait spent thinking about the worse case diagnosis of a testicular lump, the doctor finally came in. His first question was, “How many sexual partners do you have?” I guess he thought I had sex with one of his nurses. After assuring him that I was a faithful husband, he put on the rubber glove, told me to drop my pants and conducted his examination. He found the lump and told me that he was going to give me a referral to an urologist.
A couple of weeks later I showed up for my appointment at the urologist/proctologist office. I walked in and immediately noticed that I was the only patient under the age of 85 in the waiting room. I reported to the nurse/receptionist and could you guess what her first question was? “How many sexual partners do you have?” Following that interrogation I was led to the examining room.
The doctor showed up, examined me and declared that I was the proud owner of a “scrotal pearl.” I asked him what that was and he said that it was a small, harmless lump of calcium that would eventually go away. Relieved at the good news, I jumped up ready to pull my pants back up when he said, “Wait a minute. While you are here, you might as well get your prostate examined.”
I pleaded, “I’m only 32…”
He said, “That’s okay, we might as well do it since you are here,” as he was pulling out a jar of K-Y jelly from the drawer. “Turn around.”
I tried to get a glimpse at the size of his index finger as I turned. He lubed me up and proceeded to violate me, “No problem there.”
He then tossed me a roll of toilet paper to clean myself. I figured that he would leave the room, but he stayed right next to me as I started wiping, making small talk and stripping me of the last ounce of dignity that I had.
As I was checking out the nurse at the reception desk looked at my paperwork and said, “A scrotal pearl? What’s a scrotal pearl?” Before I could answer she decides to consult with another nurse. “Hey Marge, what’s a scrotal pearl?”
Marge didn’t know so they decided they had to ask the doctor. They caught a glimpse of the doctor down the hall and shouted in unison, “DOCTOR! WHAT’S A SCROTAL PEARL?” This got the attention of my fellow patients in the waiting room. The doctor shouted his medical response much to the entertainment of the nurses and everybody in the clinic. Needless to say I snuck out of there as quickly as possible.
I think some men avoid these types of cancer examinations because they would rather not know if they have cancer. But for others like me it is the desire to avoid a potentially embarrassing situation. So if there are any medical professionals out there who are wondering why many men are reluctant to get a “man exam,” they ought to check their bedside manner. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Feedback can be sent to "engineer at somethingaintright dot com"
OLDER STUFF: Before He Cheats (redneck version) Dentists Hate You and They are Probably Aliens Government Workers' Olympic Games Little Known Presidential Facts An Optimist Says that the Glass is Half Empty Swedish 70s Dance Bands (with captions) THE TALK RADIO PARTY OF AMERICA THAT MAKE BRETT FAVRE CRY University of North Carolina Bracket The US Needs to Invade Norway in Order to Win a Nobel Peace Prize WHAT WILL KILL OR HURT YOU THIS SUMMER xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(with captions)
Christmas is not supposed to give the kids nightmares
That frozen dead tree symbolizes this man's soul
Have yourself a very Merry Christmas, make the yuletide gay
A very "special" Christmas
Gomer looks like he is going out to play golf with the cast of Star Trek
Nothing says Christmas like an angry militantly gay elf
Santa can't stand the sound of your voice Carol
You killed my father…I will kill you with my Kung Fu throwing star wreath
WHAT IS THAT? Does this one really need an advisory warning label?
Santa loves me more than you. He gave me a decomposing brain.
I am going to use a lifeline, call Santa and ask him if the apocalypse is upon us.
Yes, Virginia, the apocalypse is upon us
Yust torture the clown
Christmas in Salt Lake City
Look at that expression. Is this guy getting electrocuted?
The Star of Zombie
Christmastree? Santa please bring the gal a dictionary
Santa lost his legs when the sleigh hit the power lines
Joey is famous in Cleveland. Nothing else needs to be said
Don't be naughty kids. You'll get the chair
No kids were willing to sit on his lap
This album cover screams "fun"
A Jewish Santa Claus entering a fireplace
Why does mom always get the good presents?
Ann was nice to Santa and got her a silicon present
I actually own this CD. I torture the kids with it
Steve Austin, a man barely disguised. Steve remember what happened the last time you flew in a rocket?
Happy Hellidays
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
SWEDISH DANCE BANDS FROM THE 70s (with captions)
There is a collection of pictures from the album covers of 1970s Swedish dance bands making the rounds on the internet. These bands make me proud to be a Swedish-American. Here are some of the pictures with added captions.
This is all you need to know about Sweden. Sweden kept the Linders and sent us ABBA
If you provide the toaster, I will push them in
Accordion player with a mullet. I guess that is universal
That's Janet Reno in the center
Sadly, the cult of Scandinavia compound perished when their Branch-Davidian styled house was raided by Swedish Special Forces
No translation is necessary
Tickies is Swedish for Pez dispenser
Guess which member came up with the name
The name says Heavy Metal. The outfits scream Broadway musical show queens
Guess which one plays the banjo
This is why mommy didn't let you play alone in the park
This is a picture of the Swedish army. They are historically neutral because no one wants them fighting on their side
They are trying to make enough money to pay a surgeon to detach them from one another
This band is still performing at high school proms in Kentucky
"Let's get physical, physical"
These are the descendents of the Vikings who once terrorized Europe
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
BEFORE HE CHEATS-THE REDNECK TRAILER TRASH VERSION
Carrie Underwood released a catchy song last year called, "Before He Cheats." She sang the Nashville prima donna version. I rewrote the lyrics for the more realistic redneck trailer trash version. Before He Cheats Right now he's probably
making meth with a bleach blonde tramp, And he don't know... Right now, she's probably
cooking up some meth And he don't know... I might've saved a
little trouble for the next girl, Cause I cut the throat
with my kitchen knife Maybe next time he'll
think before he cheats. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The University of North Carolina Men's Basketball Team got together and filled out an NCAA bracket. Team spokesman junior Tyler Hansbrough said, "Hey,we're good, but don't expect us to beat the Spurs on their home court." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
20 THINGS THAT MAKE BRETT FAVRE CRY
Brett Favre had a press conference last week to announce his retirement from the Green Bay Packers. He cried and cried and cried. It was pure agony to sit through. How can a man lose all his dignity like that? Just when manhood was starting to rebound out of the era of the sensitive male, and the era of the girlie Hollywood leading man (Leo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom, Heath Ledger, etc,), Brett managed to single-handedly set us back. Brett is arguably one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history. But he just rubs me the wrong way. Even though he has the reputation as being one of the most physically tough players in football, he is also known as the quarterback that wears his emotions on his sleeve. It seems like the now totally chickified ESPN Sportcenter was interviewing him monthly to get his thoughts about his former drug addiction, his wife's cancer, his father's death, and the damage Hurricane Katrina did to his boyhood home. Two parts of his retirement speech really got to me. No, not to the point of crying. I have more dignity than he does. These two things just didn't sound right. One of the things he said was that he hadn't played all those years for the money. Oh really, Brett? I noticed that your $10,000,000 a year contract was a little bit higher than the NFL minimum of $500,000. You could have signed for a lot less and allowed the team to use the balance of that money to sign some more talent. He also said that he wasn't in it for the records. Well I'm sure your coaches would have agreed. I'm sure they would have preferred if you hadn't set the career interception record. The 15-20 interceptions a year were killing your team and costing you a lot of victories. Anyway, here is the list of things that make Brett Favre cry: 1. Menstrual cramps Since Brett will be leaving football he will be moving on to his next career. I don't think he will be in the announcer's booth. Crying during games is generally considered to be bad form. He will undoubtedly be making various speaking engagements for piles of money. He can even charge extra if they want him to cry. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Turkey frying has become popular. I've been doing it for 5 years. The meat is extremely moist (but not greasy), the skin is crispy (like fried chicken), there is no basting, and the turkey cooks quickly (3-3.5 minutes per pound- A 16 lb turkey in under an hour!). Once you go oil, you'll stay loyal. I know this post should have come out before Thanksgiving but plenty of folks cook turkey for Christmas and New Years too.
Disclaimer This is merely friendly advice. Turkey frying can be risky. I am not responsible for injuries or skin graphs, structure fires, salmonella, singed pets, or any other unfortunate result.
Turkeys were fried for the very first Thanksgiving held by the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock in 1621. Their Indian friend Squanto, from the Propane Indian Tribe, showed the Pilgrims how to do it.
I was in the Army and stationed in Louisiana for 6 years. I first tried fried turkey when I won one in a raffle, and I was hooked. Turkey frying is very popular in Louisiana. They would not let me move out of the state until I passed the turkey fry test.
1. Turkey frying is an outdoor activity. Find a safe place in the middle of your backyard to do it. Do not do it on your porch or deck, and burn down your double wide. Do not do it in your garage or barn. Bubbling oil splashes everywhere, you really do not want to be next to any kind of structure. 2. Do not use a frozen or partially frozen bird. The hot oil will react with fierce resistance. 3. Your bird needs to be empty. Remove the neck and guts. Do not add stuffing. 4. Maintain a cooking oil temperature of 325-350 degrees. The oil must completely cover the bird. 5. Wear gloves and long sleeves. The oil will bubble up when you first lower the bird in. Lower it very slowly. If it is bubbling too much, you can raise it a little way out of the oil, and then re-dip it. 6. Keep children and pets away. Your dog will be attracted to the smell. 7. Do not leave the boiling oil unattended 8. Make sure the oil has completely cooled before pouring it back into the container 9. Do not be drink and fry. You need to be completely sober.
1. A turkey frying
kit (I think they go for about $50-$75) that includes 2. Peanut Oil. You must use peanut oil. It is expensive, but it has one of the highest smoke points for cooking oil. I made the mistake one year of buying "frying oil with peanut oil," and had a very dark bird. You need about 4-5 gallons. 3. A propane tank like the one on your barbecue grill 4. Gloves and a long sleeve shirt 5. A completely thawed turkey 6. Paper towel to pat dry your turkey. A wet bird does not mix well with hot oil. 7. A timer. 3-3.5 minutes per pound. 8. A turkey. I prefer
medium sized birds from 14-16 pounds Handy things to have/tips 1. If the lid of the cooking pot does not have a hole in it to insert the oil thermometer, make a hole with a nail. 2. If your oil thermometer has a glass window, water will condense inside of it, and the outside of the glass will become dirty. Etch a mark on your thermometer at the 350 degree mark so you can read it when the glass becomes too dirty. 3. A spare propane tank. If you run out of propane, you can't finish cooking it in the oven. 4. A meat thermometer to test the meat after cooking. Most sources say it has to be 180 degrees, but I believe the new wisdom states it can be as low as 165 degrees 5. Cardboard to place underneath and around the cooker. This prevents a large oil slick on your grass. 6. An injector and marinade to flavor the meat. This is optional. The meat will be flavorful enough. If you do use a marinade, inject it following the instructions on the kid about 15 minutes before cooking. 7. A spice rub for inside and outside the bird. This is also optional. There are plenty of recipes on the internet. Rub the spice onto the turkey about 24-hours ahead of time. Be generous with the spice, it is really hard to over do it since you will be boiling your turkey in oil. Most spice rubs will make the outside of the turkey dark, but don't worry about it. 8. The night before I cook the turkey and after I spice it up, I place the bird into a brown paper shopping bag before putting it back into the fridge. This helps to soak up any remaining water. 9. A funnel to pour the cooled oil back into the container when you are finished 10. A strainer to skim the top of the cooled oil, before you pour it back into the container. 1. The day before:
Fill your pot about halfway with WATER. Drop the bird into the water and
adjust the water level until it covers the bird. Remove the bird and make
a mark on the pot at the water level. This will show you how much oil
to use the next day. 2. Cooking day: Pour the oil into the pot and light your burner. It will take about 30 minutes to warm the oil up to the cooking temperature (325-350 degrees) 3. If you are cooking more than one bird, cook the larger bird first. 4. Dip the bird in slowly. 5. The temperature of the oil will start to drop after you put the bird in, turn up the gas until the temperature starts to go back up. 6. Continue to monitor the oil temperature, and adjust the gas as necessary. 7. When the bird is done, lift it out and let the excess oil run off. Bring it in the kitchen, cover it with aluminum foil and let it sit for 10-20 minutes to let it finish cooking and to let the juices circulate into place. Carve your turkey.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx The Talk Radio Party of America
In response to recent congressional threats made to the open airwaves and opinions of conservative talk radio, we announce, today, the formation of a new American political party. The Talk Radio Party of America will form to counter the bullying made by esteemed members of Congress such as Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich (Fairness Doctrine), and Republican Senator Trent Lott ("Talk radio is running America. We have to deal with that problem."). The Talk Radio Party will be a home for conservatives who were abandoned by the Republican Party. The symbol for the new party will be the American eagle. The Talk Radio Party will formally announce their presidential ticket for 2008 on July 4th. Inside the beltway rumor control is betting on: Rush Limbaugh- President
In a new era of transparency in American politics, the Talk Radio Party will also be the only political party that will announce ahead of time, their plan to fill the various appointees needed to help run the Executive branch. The Cabinet and other appointees will include talk radio commentators, right wing bloggers and other political pundits. The Talk Radio Party Dream Team Secretary of State
- Ann Coulter White House Chief of
Staff - Michelle Malkin As you can see we have a diverse Executive Branch that is made up of former Washington insiders, newcomers, Ivy Leaguers, and mainstream Americans.
Secretary of Government Conspiracy Investigations - Art Bell xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recently the 2008 Presidential candidates were asked a question. "If you were to be stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you?
DEMOCRATS: Delaware Sen. Joe Biden: "An Indian to make me Dunkin Donuts, and an articulate, bright, clean and nice-looking African American" New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton: "A good book, The Communist Manifesto, or Das Kapital." Connecticut Sen. Chris Dodd: "A waitress and Ted Kennedy." Former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards: "My blow-dryer and a mirror." Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich: "Sand." Illinois Sen. Barack Hussein Obama : "A new middle name." New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson: "That little monkey Kim Jong-Il. I'd straighten him out." Former Alaska Sen. Mike Gravel: "I would be fine, all alone, these people scare me. All by myself, I could have a direct democracy, a fair tax, no nuclear weapons and my own pot farm." Former Vice-President Al Gore- "That's a trick question. There are no islands left due to global warming and rising sea levels"
Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback: "Some conservative credentials. Ha, Ha, that was a joke. I'm the only one here who is a real conservative. Just give me the Bible and a copy of the Constitution." Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani: "My next girlfriend." Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee: "FOOD! Lots of FOOOOOD! Gosh I miss food." California Rep. Duncan
Hunter: "Nothing, I'm a Marine, I wouldn't need anything
to survive." Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: "I wouldn't need much, I would work with what I had. Within a few years I would have a successful multi-million dollar business and then host the Olympic Games." Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo: "A fence to keep all the illegals out." Texas Congressman Ron Paul- "My tinfoil hat. Don't think the Trilateral Commission and Committee on Foreign Relations wouldn't be monitoring me there." Former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson: "It wouldn't matter, just as long as the island isn't in the Mediterranean, like near Israel." Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore: "Some name recognition." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I recently finished "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce. Bierce was an American journalist and cynic of the late 19th century. Here are some of the more amusing entrees in his dictionary:
Age- That period of life which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer the enterprise to commit Alliance- In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. Amazon- One of an ancient race who do not appear to have been much concerned about woman's rights and the equality of sexes. Belladonna- In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A Striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. Bigot- One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Christian- One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. Conceit- Self-respect in one whom we dislike Confession- A place where the priest sits to forgive the big sins for the pleasure of hearing the little ones. Confidant- One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C. Congratulation- The civility of envy. Conservative- A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. Cynic- A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Destiny- A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. Diplomacy- The patriotic art of lying for one's country. Economy- Purchasing the barrel of whisky that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. Egotist-A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. Eulogy- Praise of a person who has either the advantage of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. Hammer- An instrument for smashing the human thumb. Hatred- A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. Hearse- Death's baby carriage. Humanitarian- A person who believes the Savior was human and himself is divine. Idiot- A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but pervades and regulates the whole. Lecturer- One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience. Logic- The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. Love- A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. Mad- Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. Motive- A mental wolf in moral clothing. Mouse- An animal which strews its path with fainting woman. Nectar-A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. Neighbor- One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows to make us disobedient. Nihilist- A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoy. Non-combatant- A dead Quaker. Overdose- A fatal dose of medicine when administered by any other than the physician. Politeness-The most acceptable hypocrisy. Positive- Mistaken at the top of one's voice. Selfish- Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. Senate- A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx LITTLE KNOWN PRESIDENTIAL FACTS
George Washington (1789-1797) - Washington was the first president to have a vice-president. John Adams (1797-1801) - Adams, a founding father who was historically overshadowed by Jefferson and Madison, has seen his reputation arise of late after the discovery of historical documents proving that he taught his cousin Samuel how to brew beer. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809)- Jefferson agreed to finance the Lewis and Clark expedition through the Louisiana Territory merely in hopes of finding proof of the Native American legend known as Sasquatch. James Madison (1809-1817) - Madison stood at 5'4" and weighed 100 pounds. He modeled women's underwear in order to pay his way through college. This was not uncommon for smaller men in those days since semi-nude women were not allowed on the catwalk. James Monroe (1817-1825) - Monroe was a noted academic who helped to establish the University of Virginia after he left office. He also tried to establish a college of library science for former slaves repatriated back to the newly formed African country of Libraria. This school would have provided an endless source of librarians for the University of Virginia. John Quincy Adams (1825-1829) - JQ Adams was the first president born with a middle name. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) - Jackson was the only US President to be a former prisoner of war. He was a courier for the Continental Army during the Revolutionary War and was taken prisoner at the age of 13. He was shipped to the north and held in the infamous British POW camp in Canada known as the Halifax Hilton. Martin Van Buren (1837-1841) - Van Buren is the first name that Americans forget when attempting to name the presidents in order. William Henry Harrison (1841) - Harrison served the shortest time in office of 31 days. In fact, he started dying, along with his audience, during his inaugural address. John Tyler (1841-1845) - Tyler is the only US president to conquer another country without using force. Tyler conquered the wimpy Republic of Texas in 1845. James K. Polk (1845-1849) - Polk tried to give Texas back to Mexico and this started the Mexican War. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) - Taylor was the first president to be elected after having held no previous elected office. Yeah, just like George W. Bush who was named President by the Supreme Court in 2000 after he was handed the office of the Governor of Texas when his daddy sold his soul to Halliburton and the oil companies. IMPEACH BUSH NOW! IMPEACH BUSH NOW! Millard Fillmore (1850-1853) - Fillmore was the last member of the Whig Party to serve as President, assuming the office from the Vice-Presidency after the death of Taylor. Fillmore served the rest of Taylor's term and was not selected by the Whigs to run for reelection in 1852. In 1856 Fillmore made an unsuccessful attempt at the presidency as a candidate of the "Know Nothing Party," which eventually became known as the Democratic Party. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857) - The handsome Pierce was our first photogenic President who was selected solely for his good looks during the early age of photography. He manipulated this new medium and got elected with his good looks despite not having many real previous accomplishments and having a dysfunctional family life. Much like Kennedy did a century later with the new medium of television. James Buchanan (1857-1861) - Buchanan was our only bachelor president leading some historians to speculate on his sexuality. Historians these days have nothing better to do than explore the sexuality of historical figures. He was also the last former Secretary of State to be elected president. Hmmm...Condi Rice, our current Secretary of State, is a bachelorette of ambiguous sexuality…hmmm… Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) - Lincoln was our first Republican President and the Democrats naturally protested his election. They cried, "Voter disenfranchisement!" They demanded a lawsuit and a recount since Lincoln was declared President after only winning 18 states, 39% of the popular vote, and 180 electoral votes. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869) - Johnson, a southerner from Tennessee, bought Alaska from the Russians in the hopes of replacing newly freed black slaves with Eskimos. Ulysses S. Grant- (1869-1877) - Grant earned a reputation for exceptional bravery during the Mexican War. His superiors motivated him with tequila. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881) - Despite no military training, Hayes entered service during the War of Southern Secession at the rank of Major. Showing a knack for military leadership and strategy, he quickly rose to the rank of Field Marshall. He did such a bad job as President, that the rank of Field Marshall was never used again in the US Army. James A. Garfield (1881) - Garfield was only in office for four months before assassin Charles Guiteau shot him down. He lingered for two months after the shooting and managed to make one Supreme Court appointment. Justice William Rehnquist served until 2005. Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885) - Arthur forced his daughter and grandchildren to work up to 14 hours a day in the coal mines and garment factories in order to support the industrialists and robber barons. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889, 1893-1897)- Cleveland was a noted practical joker and opponent to Women's Rights. A bachelor when he first entered office, he married the Statue of Liberty in a public ceremony just to spite the leading suffragists of the time. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893) - Absolutely nothing happened during Benjamin Harrison's presidency. In fact, there is some doubt among historians that Harrison was actually the president, or that we even had a president during that time frame. It is just assumed that someone was President in between Cleveland's two non-consecutive terms. William McKinley (1897-1901) - McKinley was the only President other than Andrew Johnson who did not sport facial hair during the "Pushbroom" era of American politics (1861-1913). "Pushbroom" was slang for some of the more elaborate mustache and beard combinations of the era. By the way, McKinley was assassinated and Johnson was impeached. 19th century Americans took their facial hair seriously. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) - Truly our most manly president. Roosevelt was an adventurer, soldier, author, rancher, safari hunter, policeman, Nobel Peace Prize and Congressional Medal of Honor winner, who in his spare time; helped Einstein develop his theory of relativity, helped Binet develop his IQ test, helped invent the first Harley-Davidson motorcycle and Model T Ford, helped the Red Sox win the very first World Series, and responded to the very first SOS distress signal by swimming out into the Atlantic Ocean to rescue a distressed ocean liner. William Howard Taft (1909-1913) - Our heaviest president at 326 pounds ate his Vice-President. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921) - The 6'4" Wilson was the inspiration for Edgar Rice Burroughs' "Tarzan of the Apes." Warren G. Harding (1921-1923) - Harding was the last of an incredible string of seven Ohioans out of a run of 12 presidents (including Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Harrison, McKinley, and Taft). Harding helped pass the Willis Campbell Act, aka the "Anti-beer Bill," closing a loophole in the 18th Amendment (Prohibition). Harding later mysteriously dies in office from food poisoning and no other Ohioan is ever elected to the presidency again. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) - Coolidge was truly a man of his times. Though often called, "Silent Cal" for his stoicism and reserve, Coolidge was the life of the party and often found his entertainment with flappers in speakeasies. Coolidge was known as the "big cheese snugglepup" at all of the petting parties he attended, and often spoke using the colorful slang of the era with such terms as "cat's pajamas" and "bee's knees." Herbert Hoover (1929-1933) - The 1928 presidential election between Hoover and Al Smith was a tie in both the popular and electoral vote. Unsure of how to handle this dilemma, the Supreme Court asked the two candidates for a recommendation. Smith, a Catholic, suggested that the Pope be given special American citizenship and given the deciding vote. Hoover, a Quaker, recommended a duel. The anti-Catholic court decided on the duel. Witnesses said that Smith, the consummate gentleman, fired first and purposely missed. Hoover, a bloodthirsty Quaker, took careful aim, emitted an evil laughter, and shot Smith between the eyes. Dueling was later outlawed by the Roosevelt administration. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945) - Roosevelt, a noted philanderer in his younger years, had a wife named Eleanor who overlooked his infidelity in order to stay married to a man who was obviously on a meteoric rise to the top of the political world. Years later, another wife of a famously adulterous politician also chose to stay married in order to stay hitched to his wagon which was on the way to the presidency. Hillary Clinton has even stated that she has had "conversations" with the long dead Eleanor. Harry Truman (1945-1953) - Truman, using the stage name of Henry Travers, co-starred in the Frank Capra movie "It's a Wonderful Life." He played the role of Clarence the angel who helps a distraught George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) - Ike created the Mickey Mouse Club in order to use the new medium of television and subliminal messages to try to defeat communism during the Cold War. The show, produced by Walt Disney, followed the exploits of several children on the "Red" (communist) team as Jimmie Dodd, the American who always made the right moral choice, helped them through life's adventures. Dodd's character represented the US, Annette-Albania, Bobby-Bulgaria, Cheryl-Czechoslovakia, Cubby-Cuba, Darlene-Hungary, Doreen-East Germany, Karen-North Korea, Lonnie-Poland, Sharon-Soviet Union, and Tommy-Romania. The plan failed due to the unavailability of television sets in the Warsaw Pact countries. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963) - Jackie Kennedy tried bravely to save her husband when disaster struck their car in Dallas. Her brother-in-law Ted showed little courage toward his passenger when disaster struck his car at Chappaquiddick. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1968) - LBJ presided over the Vietnam War, the "Great Society" and the "War on Wealth." Although he did work hard to pass Civil Rights Acts in 1964 and 1965, he will always be remembered for the biggest black mark of his career, the signing of legislation that led to the creation of the PBS television network. Richard M. Nixon (1968-1973) - Nixon took illegal campaign contributions from China, bombed Serbia, got involved with a phony investment scheme called Whitewater, and used federal agencies to harass political opponents. No wait, that was Clinton. Nixon took illegal campaign contributions from George Steinbrenner, bombed Cambodia, was involved in Watergate, and used federal agencies to harass political opponents. Gerald R. Ford (1973-1976) - Ford was the only President to have been an Eagle Scout. In the 1930s the Boy Scout standards were much higher than today. Ford, the University of Michigan football star, had to take on the entire NFL Chicago Bears by himself in an exhibition football game for his Eagle Scout Project. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981) - Many presidents were known for their great foreign policy at the expense of their domestic policy. Many presidents were known for their great domestic policy at the expense of their foreign policy. Few presidents managed to pull it all together with a great foreign policy and great domestic policy. Some presidents had mediocre careers and were known for greatness after leaving office. Carter was not one of these. He was perhaps the only president to fail miserably at foreign policy, domestic policy, and post-presidency personal behavior. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989) - Reagan was the last president to own a slave. He sent this slave out at night to taunt the homeless AIDS victims on the streets of Washington DC. George H. Bush (1989-1993) - Bush the Elder is the most mysterious president we have ever elected. He is the former head of the CIA and current member of The Trilateral Commission, the Project for the New American Century, the New World Order, and Skull and Bones. He is rumored to be a member of the Freemasons, Rosicrucians, Knights Templar, John Birch Society, Priory of Sion, and the Crips. Sure, he appears to be mild-mannered and warm on the outside, but on the inside he is a seething psychopath who shot JFK, poisoned Marilyn Monroe, and financed the Reagan assassination attempt. Do you think I am paranoid? Noriega knew about him and look what happened. Saddam was so fearful of him he even tried to assassinate him after he left office in 1993. My life is in danger just by posting this blog entry. But the truth must be told. William Clinton (1993-2001) - While serving as Governor of Arkansas, Clinton authorized his wife Hillary to conduct medical experiments on Cuban refugees from the Muriel boatlift that were detained at Fort Chaffee. George W. Bush (2001-present)
- While in college, Bush the Younger taught Bobby Fischer how to play
chess. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx It has been over 6 months since I stepped inside of a gym. I assume the same stereotypes still hang out there. Let's review some of them: The Ambiguously Gay Aerobics Instructor- Aerobics is not a man's activity; there are natural laws against it. Like boys playing hopscotch, it's just unnatural. If your young son is playing hopscotch with the neighborhood girls, run outside with some boxing gloves and get him off the sidewalk and into the grass. Start some boxing matches. This will stop him from one day becoming an ambiguously gay aerobics instructor. The Old Guy- This guy has been in gyms since the invention of the medicine ball and dumb bell. He wears an item of clothing from each decade. He has Chuck Connors on his feet, knee high tube socks with wide stripes on the top, Larry Bird short shorts (over his sweatpants), sweatbands on his head and wrists, a Led Zeppelin t-shirt cut off to show his flabby stomach, and a personal stereo with cassette player. The Gadget Chick- She has a belt with a built in purse. It has a cell phone, IPOD, Blackberry, pager, and PDA. Batman looks at her utility belt with envy. Honey, the purpose of the gym is to leave all this stuff behind for an hour or two. The Hot Flirty Chick- She never really works out. She just wears the latest fashions and talks to all the guys. The Hot, Emotionally Detached Chick- She works out hard, never talks, never looks at you, and wears "don't mess with me outfits." Has all the warmth and charm of Hillary Clinton. Atom Ant Man- He stands 5'4" and has been overcompensating all of his life. He has a 48-inch barrel chest, no neck, six-pack abs, a v-back, cannon biceps, Popeye forearms, and stick legs. He never works on his legs. I once tried to slide a 45 lb weight on one of these guys' legs once when he was doing crunches. I thought his leg was a bar. The Thick Lesbian- Easy enough to spot. If she is white she has a mullet. If she is black she has a crew cut. She lifts more weight and does more aerobic activities than anybody in the gym and maintains an amorphous body. She prefers to play basketball and softball with the guys. The Gang's All Here-A group of three guys (always three) who tie up the equipment because one guy is sitting on it and the three of them are just talking. The B.O. Guy- Hey, this is a gym, you don't expect everybody to smell like a freshly changed baby. And I understand that some people will smell sweaty but this guy kills you. He walks by and you are immediately wrapped in a blanket of tear gas. It lingers in every room he walks in. You can see it. The Sweat Hog- This guy could work up a sweat lying down in a cool, dark morgue. He leaves pools of sweat on every piece of equipment and doesn't wipe it off. The Spandex Abusers- The first type of spandex abuser is the overweight. They usually wear red spandex for some reason. Each of their legs has the shape of those red plastic covered smoked sausage logs that are for sale around the holidays for $15 and then go on sale for $2.99 on January 2d. The guys are in denial. The man who wears this will also wear a short t-shirt for some reason. The women who wear this spandex wear a large t-shirt over it. It will be something like a size 8XXXL t-shirt that could be used to cover the infield at Fenway Park or maybe Ted Kennedy. The second type of spandex abuser is the thin chick. She thinks she looks good because she is thin, but her butt and legs are just not shaped right and don't belong in spandex. The Perfectly Sculptured Dude Who Never Seems to do Much Working Out. He just sort of hangs out at the gym and occasionally does a few curls or bench presses. He loves the gym because it has almost as many mirrors as his house. Those of us who work out 2-3 hours a day and don't see any results are the natural born enemies of the Perfectly Sculptured Dude. The Screaming Rage Roid Guy- This guy will grunt whether he is bench pressing 350 lbs. or doing a wrist curl with 15 lbs. The Monopolizer- This guy thinks he can monopolize 2-3 machines without anybody having the nerve to interrupt him. Even if the machines are in different rooms. The Day Dreamer- He gets to a piece of equipment right before you do. It is the last machine of the day for you. You know what's coming. He does one set, and stares off into space for 5 minutes. Does another set, rests and stares again. Repeat. You ask him how many more sets he has and he says, "4 more." He doesn't get the hint that you are waiting. The Creepy Uncle. Hey all the guys love to catch glimpses of the good-looking chicks, but this guy stares a hole through them and makes them feel uncomfortable. The Over the Hill Chick. You can tell that she was probably hot once, but Mother Nature is now playing cruel tricks on her. But in her mind she is still hot and she is staring down guys thirty years younger than her. Olive Oyl- She is 5'10" and weighs maybe 110 lbs. But she is on the treadmill for three hours a day trying to sweat off the two-ounces of lettuce and one-gram of fat free salad dressing she had for lunch. The out of shape guy
who doesn't go enough and makes excuses for being out of shape. Whoa,
that is hitting too close to home. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx -A tribute to James Baker and his Iraq Study Group Sung to the tune "Brave
Sir Robin," from The Holy Grail Bravely bold Sir Baker
rode forth from the White House. He was not in the least
bit scared to be burned in a plane crash, His head cut off and
his heart cut out Bravely Baker ran away,
(No!) When Islam reared its
ugly head, Bravely taking to his
feet, (I never did!) |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
