What Would Muhammed Do?
WWMD
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Our Letters
Dear Prophet of God,
A western infidel in my city says that I am an intolerant and violent Muslim that has to go to anger management classes. How do I respond?
AKRAM
Leeuwarden, Netherlands
Akram,
This infidel does not understand our religion of peace. Stab him with a knife until he understands.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
I am a university professor in the United States. How do I make sure that I can continue to present our sexist, violent, intolerant, and anti-Semitic views without raising the ire of my colleagues?
JALAL
Berkeley, CA USA
Jalal,
Do not worry. Your liberal American colleagues will continue to support you. Beheadings, hijackings, extreme violence toward women, and suicide bombers are abstract manifestations of evil that the liberals cannot even understand. They either bury their heads in the sand or they convince themselves that only an oppressed person would commits such acts and an oppressed person is not responsible for what they do. But whatever you do, DO NOT OPEN A WAL-MART!! That is the true essence of evil to your academic peers and they will try to deport you.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
I am confused. The prophet Jesus teaches nonviolence and proselytizing in a spirit of love, yet we call Christians murderous. Muhammad teaches us to proselytize through violence, yet we claim to be a religion of peace. What gives?
HOSNI
Tripoli, Libya
Hosni,
I command you to cut off you left hand with a table saw. Then reflect on your heresy when it takes you twice as long to clean your AK47.-IMAM.
Dear Prophet of God,
I have relatives in Iraq. They tell me that things there are going well for the Americans. However, whenever I read the American newspapers or watch CNN, they make me believe that the US Army is being defeated. Why is that?
Ali
San Francisco, CA, USA
Ali,
The American media love bad news and hate the Army and George Bush. They report only the bad things. They concentrate on events in the Sunni triangle, and not all the American success in the other 80% of the country. They report on riots instead of all of the Iraqis who are friendly to the Americans. They report on burning oil wells and broken utilities, not on the emerging economy. The foolish American public is niave enough to believe only what the liberal media reports.
Dear Prophet of God,
A distant relative raped me. I am locked in a room and tomorrow my family will kill me. I do not understand.
DIMA
Qalat, Afghanistan
Dima,
I am assuming a misguided male relative wrote this letter for you since whore women are not allowed to read and write. You must ask forgiveness for wearing your burkha in a revealing manner and presenting yourself as an object of temptation. Accept Allah's judgment.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God
I am relentlessly pursued by the American Green Berets. I spend all of my days hiding in caves and I miss my Land Rover and microwave oven. I do not want to appear to be a coward in front of my people. What do I do?
OSAMA
Chitral, Pakistan
Osama,
Contact the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) and ask for their spin-doctors. They can publish articles in US and Afghani newspapers that show that even though you are rich; you prefer to live an ascetic life style to sympathize with your followers. They will convince the world that you are too religious to succumb to the luxuries of the modern world and prefer to live in caves.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
Our intifada against the Jews has failed. They are too well supported by the United States. What do we do?
FADL
Jericho, Palestine
Fadl,
We need to convince the American liberals to become more anti-Semitic like their European counterparts. Then perhaps they will convince their government to stop supporting the Jews. Here is what you do. When CNN comes to your city look for the television cameras. Arrange to have Palestinian children throwing rocks at Israeli tanks. Toss some "wounded civilians" into the backs of ambulances (That is, after you have removed the ammunition from the ambulances.). Tell the cameras that you only want a homeland. But continue to exterminate the Jew when the cameras leave.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
I feel useless and frustrated. The western world thrives while I work just to put a roof on my house for my 4 wives and 18 children. I read in a magazine that the reason I live like this is because my Arab government is a military dictatorship that does not allow economic freedom.
ZAYD,
Location withheld
Zayd,
Your poverty is not your fault or the fault of your government. It is because of the Jews and the Crusades. Size up all of your sons for suicide vests. And make sure you burn that magazine of Zionist propaganda.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
I have just been selected for a high level position with the Palestinian National Authority. There is one hundred million dollars of international aid money in our Swiss bank for our desperately poor people. What is the first thing I should do with the portion of money that will be my responsibility?
MAHMUD
Gaza
Mahmud,
The first thing you must do to help your people is to buy a car so that you can visit them in their slums. I recommend a 2007 Mercedes S550 in Arabian grey. But you must be careful. The Israeli Apache helicopter pilots know that all the Mercedes and Land Rovers in Gaza belong to high-ranking Palestinians-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
My subhuman daughter made eye contact with an American soldier. What
shall I do to regain my honor?
BAKR
Safwan, Iraq
Bakr,
You must take another 12 year old wife.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
I am living in France. My brother in Syria will be participating in an RPG parade to mourn the loss of his provincial governor. He hopes that the parade will be followed by a riot at the funeral leading to the death of 4 or 5 martyrs. What can I do to mourn with him? I do not own an RPG and the French government does not let me fire rifles in the air.
HIKMAT
Paris, France
Hikmat,
Burn 15 Citroens and two city blocks-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
Why don't the American newspapers and magazines run the objectionable cartoons about our prophet Muhammad? They are usually very outspoken in an offensive manner about religion. Especially Judaism and Christianity.
SHAFIQ
Dearborn, MI USA
Shafiq,
The mostly liberal American media are cowards. They use the 1st Amendment only to speak out against a government they know will protect them or against religions they know will not behead them. They will print pictures of American soldiers humiliating Iraqi prisoners so the soldiers become targets of revenge. But they will not make themselves targets. They camouflage their cowardice under the banner of religious sensitivity-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
It is Ghalib, your Arab calendar maker. I have succeeded in fixing all of the Muslim calendars so that they read 1006 instead of 2006.
GHALIB
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
Ghalib,
My old friend, thank you. Now we may all live in an era that is more relevant to our religious, cultural, political and social beliefs.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
Should I, a Muslim, use my suicide bomb to kill fellow Muslims that the Americans spared with their smart bombs? Is this decent?
FIHR
Tikrit, Iraq
Fihr,
When you are doing the will of God, there are no rules. The will of God transcends man's idea of decency.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
Why do I have more personal freedoms living in the United States than my brothers do living in Saudi Arabia?
WAHIB
Seattle, WA US
Wahib,
You have succumbed to the temptation of the great Satan. Slap your nearest living female relative, sell all of your possessions, return to Saudi Arabia and enroll in a Wahhabi Madrasah for re-education.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
The Palestinian people get a lot of assistance from Israel itself, the UN and the United States. How come more Arab countries do not help them?
ABBAS
Ankara, turkey
Abbas,
Nobody wants the Palestinians. Wherever they have gone; Lebanon, Jordan, Tunisia, Israel, they have always caused violence. They are an impure mixed bag of violent gypsy refugees. We publicly claim to support them only because they are a thorn in the side of Israel. They do not deserve our economic aid. -IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
Do you ever advise your readers to read the Koran and learn for themselves?
ALI
Medina, Saudi Arabia
Hello? Ali?
I am here to interpret the word of God to the masses of unemployed illiterates living in mud huts. I will tell them when to jihad over events in another part of the world that they do not know about or understand. Why would they need to read the Koran?-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
I live in Germany. The other day I heard I new word called holocaust. They told me the Germans exterminated 6 million Jews. Is this true? Should we be Germany's friend?
KHAYRI
Dachau, Germany
Khayri,
The holocaust is a Jewish trick, it never happened. It is propaganda. Much like the lies they spread about their military victories in 1948, 1956, 1967, 1973 and 1982.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
Do you worry that one day the western infidels will wake up and see how dangerous militant Muslims are to their society?
TAWFIQ
Madrid, Spain
Tawfiq,
Study their history. These fools embraced Adolph Hitler even after he broke all of their treaties, re-armed his country and conquered Austria and Czechoslovakia. Their fears and liberal idealism makes them slow to react to obvious threats.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
I am confused. The feminist in the United States who hate our treatment of women, hate George Bush who, if we use their western logic, frees these women from subjugation. I do not understand American feminists.
ZAKI
Doha, Qatar
Zaki,
I will straighten you out if you promise to stop thinking about those shrews. The bottom line about American feminists and equal rights is that they are more concerned with abortion rights than women's rights. They are insanely possessed with the issue of abortion. They hate George Bush just because he is against abortion. It doesn't matterthat he is "helping" millions of women convert to western standards. On the other hand these feminists embrace Bill Clinton, a serial sexual harasser who treats women like we do. Just because he is pro abortion.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
I am extremely upset. I read your interview in the "International Herald Tribune." You told them that we Muslims must moderate our views on violence. You pig! I announce fatwa against you!
UTHMAN
Aden, Yemen
Uthman,
Smoke some opium and chill. Didn't you read my other article in the "Aden Daily Times" where I announced the jihad against Poland? I am only using tactics that worked so well for Arafat. When you go to Europe and the UN, speak tolerantly. When you get home, call for blood. The liberals will only remember your tolerance because they are afraid of you.
Dear Prophet of God,
My country is too moderate. They are a complete sell out to the west. Right now I am a minor bureaucrat on their ambassadorial staff to the UN due to my family connections. But I want to become dictator and rule with an iron fist. How shall I do this?
FARUQ
Location withheld
Faruq,
I withheld the name of your country. I am familiar with what is going on there and agree you are the man to change things. But the time is not right. You need to educate yourself on how to run a government. You need to learn how to develop an unaccountable rule over people, live with obvious double standards, lie, engage in nepotism, use propaganda and expand corruption. Fortunately you are at the UN and can see these methods in daily use. Lay low and learn for now. I will contact you later.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God,
I do not have a question. I just wanted to praise you. Your incitement
of riots in Pakistan over offensive cartoons that 90% of the angry protesters
have not seen nor can read was brilliant. It was too bad that an eight-year-old
boy was crushed but that was obviously the fault of Israel.
Muzzammil
Miami, FL USA
Muzzammil,
Many thanks. I noticed that you live in America. By coincidence, that is where I learned about inciting riots. The liberal democrats are experts at inciting protests of useful idiots like unemployed environmentalists, unattractive feminists, career college students, illiterate celebrities, angry homosexuals, race obsessed blacks, and deadbeat unionists.-IMAM
Dear Prophet of God (?)
The reason you Muslims are so mad at everybody is that you are lagging so far behind the civilized world. You need to gain some self-respect through honest achievements. Not through developing more barbaric ways to kill grandmothers and bridesmaids at Jewish weddings. You are also mad because of your lack of faith. Becoming a martyr is a way of over-compensating for one's doubt about one's religion. You use religion merely as a way to maintain political power
Pete
Boston, MA USA
Pete,
I will publish your letter just to show the infidels that I am open
to criticism. Your letter shows illogical lingering fear of Muslims since
the September 11th attacks on your country. You are obviously listening
to too much anti-Muslim rhetoric from your neocons leaders. I would assume
that you are a supporter of the civil right infringing Patriot Act. You
should stop singling out Muslims for attacks on Jewish weddings. This
is discriminative, intolerant, and Islamophobic. Hate is the price of
your ignorance and hate hurts. -IMAM
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