Pain Don't Hurt

Road House is the consummate guy movie. Every guy must watch it over and over. I guarantee that

any man who finds this movie while channel surfing will stop and watch it, whether they happen to

come across it at the beginnning, in the middle, or at the very end. It is a modern day western with

the good guy riding into town to vanquish the bad guy and all of his minions. It has an all-star cast,

tough guys, fights every ten seconds, hot chicks, monster trucks, gun, knives, explosions, fire, martial

arts, bars, rock n' roll music, a bad script, and guys with western sounding names like Dalton, Garrett, and

Cody. And if all this is not enough, it has philosophy. The hero, Dalton, has some of the most intellectually

Road House was released in 1989. It was directed by Rowdy Herrignton and it is 114 minutes long. If I

remember correctly it appeared in the movie theatres in June, went to VHS in July, and showed up on

cable television in August. The movie quickly became a cult classic on television, and TNT started showing it

every 30 minutes. If you haven't seen the movie catch it on cable. I am fond of that version. It keeps all of

the surreal violence without the cursing and nudity you see on the unedited VHS (now DVD) version. I

reviewed the script of the movie in order to write this webpage and they go way over the top with

the cursing. There is brief nudity which is unnecessary. Especially the part that shows Patrick

Swayze's naked butt. Guys shouldn't watch movies that show another man's naked butt. There is a

Why did it take 17 years to render honors to such a classic? It took me years of study, soul searching,

self-reflection, meditation and research to understand that deeper meanings of this movie. Remember,

a lot of the Greek classics were lost to the Western world for many centuries before they were

rediscovered and enjoyed. Plus, I was meandering through Wal-Mart the other day and saw Road House 2:

Last Call (sans Patrick Swayze and the original cast) on a rack near the check out line, and that inspired me.

Apparently the sequel is a straight to DVD movie. Does that surprise anybody? How often does a sequel match

Road House came out in between the movies Dirty Dancing and Ghost. So evidently Swayze felt the need to make a guy flick in between two chick flicks. He stars as Dalton, head bouncer, or "cooler," at the Double Deuce bar in Jasper, MO		Road House did for bouncers what Baywatch did for lifeguards. What ever that was. Or maybe what Willie Wonka did for Oompa-Loompas In case you were wondering, the Academy Award for Best Picture that year went to Driving Miss Daisy. The Best Actor Award went to Daniel Day-Lewis for My Left Foot
Before we get started I think we should mention that we have a body double. Patrick Swayze and Richard Ramirez, aka the "Night Stalker" serial killer		If only his daddy had hugged him and his mother had sent him to dancing school
We mentioned that the movie was made in 1989. How do we know that...?		The women's big trailer park hair styles
...Mullets...		Not the big mullet like Bono, MaGyver, and Billy Ray Cyrus. But it is a mullet
...and Monster trucks
Dalton is the ultimate in cool. He has youth, good looks, great hair, a tremendous physique, a fearless attitude, martial arts expertise, and a PhD in philosophy. He survives fights without any facial swellings or lingering injuries the next day, and he is a loner who always gets the girl. He smokes cigarettes and will probably suffer no ill-health consequences		The guy who wrote the screen play is probably a pudgy, balding, clumsy middle-aged guy who is dateless, prone to paper cuts and living in his mother's basement
Daltons's love interest is Doctor Elizabeth Clay, played by Kelly Lynch. He meets her at the hospital when he is getting stitched up after a fight. She looks at his medical records and notices that he has a college degree. I don't know why his medical records would mention a college degree.		"As soon as I pay off my student loans Dalton I can afford to buy a real dress and return this one to the picnic table company."
A bouncer with a PhD? Yes. He has some very deep philosophical lines in the movie. "Pain don't hurt." "You're too stupid to have fun." "Nobody ever wins a fight." "Opinions vary." "It'll get worse before it gets better." "It's my way or the highway."		Whoa. Do not try to understand them all at once. These are very profound. You and I cannot possibly comprehend the complex meaning of all this. Remember, he has a PhD in philosophy. Dalton is probably smarter than John Kerry
Dalton is always telling his bouncers to be nice and not to take anything personal. One of them asked, "Being called a c@#ksu%ker is not personal?" Dalton answered, "No. It is two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response."		Bouncers who learn to diagram sentences will go far.
Actor Kevin Tighe plays Frank Tilghman, owner of the Double Deuce. His bar in small town Jasper, MO somehow manages to fill up with hundreds of good looking people each night...		This is the only good recent photo I could find
...Tighe doesn't play a major part in the movie but I included him because I used to enjoy watching him in the TV show Emergency! when I was a kid. He played paramedic Roy DeSoto, shown here with his partner paramedic John Gage played by Randolph Mantooth. DeSoto never let Gage drive. This is a picture of Gage asking the chief if he could drive		Kevin virtually disappeared after the show Emergency! was cancelled. He did guest appearances on the series Love Boat and the game show Tattletales. Every TV actor from the 1970s had to make guest appearances on those shows. It was a requirement in those days
The real reason I mentioned Emergency! was so I could talk about another star, Julie London, who played nurse Dixie McCall		Here she is in between her real life husband Bobby Troup on her right (Dr Joe Early) and her love interest on the show, actor Robert Fuller (Dr. Kelly Brackett), holding something in his hands Julie's ex-husband Jack Webb produced the show. I think he set up this love triangle thing to get back at her.
I had a big crush on her when I was 10 or 11 years old. I didn't know at the time that she was really known as a singer. I bought one of her CDs. She has a sexy, sultry, smokey jazz singer's voice. Very kittenish.		Wait a minute, where am I? Back to Road House
Dalton had his own type of martial arts. We need to come up with a name for it...		Here he is getting ready to own a former employee with a grudge and a Bowie knife. Anybody who wanted to get into the Double Deuce was required to show an ID for proof of age and carry a Bowie knife.
...Remember US gymnast Kurt Thomas? He made a martial arts movie called Gymkata based on gymnastic techniques		What if we call Swayze's style of martial arts "Dirty Dancing-Woo?"
WARNING! WARNING! HOMOEROTICISM ALERT...!
...Dalton liked to get oiled up and work out. His creepy landlord, Emmet, used to secretly watch from the woods
Actor Sam Elliott played another cooler named Wade Garrett who was Dalton's mentor. He calls Dalton "mijo." He doesn't sleep much, and it appears he doesn't bathe much either. He comes to help Dalton clean up the town.		Wade Garrett is killed in the movie. He dies shortly after telling Dalton that he loved him. Men who tell other men that they love them in guy movies have to die. That is another man law. And rightfully so, I might add.
Ben Gazarra plays the evil overlord of Jasper, Brad Wesley. He has an army of ruffians and an evil laughter...		He is rich because he takes other people's money. No rich person in Hollywood movies ever make their money honestly, except those with jobs in the film industry.
...When his minions cannot defeat Dalton he hires the toughest guy around, Jimmy. Jimmy is played by actor Marshall Teague.		Jimmy stares a lot. Marshall had to pass a staring screen test to get the part
WARNING! WARNING! HOMOEROTICISM ALERT...!
...While battling in an oily half-naked fight to the death, Jimmy makes a rather course comment about prison sex. I won't print it here.		The fire in the background is symbolic of their passion for each other
Dalton finally finishes off Brad Wesley with the help of townfolk like Red Webster, played by actor Red West...
...Red West was a TV actor in the 70s too. He played the grizzly mechanic on Baa baa Black Sheep...
...But he is better known as part of Elvis' Memphis Mafia. (That's Glen Campbell on the right)		I won't go any further with this one. I never had a crush on him. I just think it's cool to work Elvis into your webpage
Speaking of Elvis, we can't end this tribute to Road House without mentioning the music. Jeff Healey is a blind blues guitarist from Canada. He played Cody, the leader of the bar band at the Double Deuce.		I have some of Jeff Healey's CDs. He is only the third good musical act to come out of Canada . The other two are Diana Krall and the Cowboy Junkies. They make me forget about musicians such as Celine Dion, Alanis Morrissette, Gordon Lightfoot and Avril Lavigne
He wore a mullet for a while too. But that is not his fault. He can't see how dumb it looks and the people he pays to take care of these things probably told him that he looked good.		Jeff was the luckiest star of the movie. The movie gave him his big break in the US and he had a string of hits in the early 90s. He also never had to watch the movie. R.I.P.- 2008

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