twihtwifarchive

THIS WEEK IN HISTORY/THIS WEEK IN THE FUTURE ARCHIVES

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WEEK 4, JULY 2001

Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, the former (last) Tsar of Bulgaria (as a child), is sworn in as a democratically elected Prime Minister of Bulgaria. He becomes the only monarch in history to regain political power through a democratic election.

WEEK 4, JULY 2016

Hillary Clinton crowns herself Queen of the United States and becomes the first democratically elected head of state in history to proclaim herself monarch

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WEEK 3, JULY 2004

Sean "Puff Daddy," "P Diddy," Combs launches his "Vote or Die" campaign to try to encourage the young MTV generation to vote against George Bush and buy his t-shirts. This is simply the most stupid political stunt by a political service group in the history of the United States and is befitting of MTV.

WEEK 3, JULY 2008

This was the scheduled week for Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton's "Vote or I'll Cry Again" campaign for the presidency

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WEEK 2, JULY 2007

Sen David Vitter's (R-LA) phone number is revealed on a list of the DC Madam's clients. Vitter, ironically known for his family values reputation, used the escort service several times between 1999 and 2001. People everywhere are shocked to learn that a prostitute would lower herself to perform services on a moralistic US Senator. Vitter was not prosecuted due to the statute of limitations and was never censured by his colleagues.

WEEK 2, JULY 2017

The US Congress legalizes prostitution, not to regulate the business and protect the young women, but to protect themselves, governors, mayors, and other officials from further scandals

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WEEK 1, JULY 1801

President Thomas Jefferson begins the US tradition of shaking hands with male guests. Previously they bowed.

WEEK 1, JULY 2013

President Hillary Clinton re-institutes the tradition of having male guests bow before the president.

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WEEK 4, JUNE 1995

Boy Scout David Hahn of Commerce Township, MI, working toward a Merit Badge in Atomic Energy, goes beyond the requirements of the badge and tries to build a nuclear breeder reactor in his garage. He ends up getting a merit badge for creating a Superfund site.

WEEK 4, JUNE 2095

Miniature home nuclear reactors are the latest alternative (green) source of energy found in homes. They were created in response to concerns over global warming

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WEEK 3, JUNE 325 AD

The Council of Nicea in Bithynia (modern Turkey) closes. Known as the first ecumenical council in the history of the Church, it convenes to work out differences in church doctrine. Among the issues where the formulation of the Nicene Creed and the first attempt at establishing a method for calculating the date for Easter. This calculation, and other subsequent ones over the next centuries serve to perpetually confuse all of us over the date we celebrate Easter each year.

WEEK 3, JUNE 2025

The Holy Wal-Mart Council of Bentonville, Arkansas establishes a permanent calendar date for Easter. Now the 14th of March. This gives Wal-Mart enough time to transition from Valentine's Day candy to Easter eggs, chocolate bunnies and peeps.

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WEEK 2, JUNE 1939

England's King George VI visits Washington D.C. He is the first royal Brit to visit their former colonies. Sore losers.

WEEK 2, JUNE 2039

The longest serving member of the British royalty, 113-year-old Queen Elizabeth II, visits Washington DC to celebrate the centennial of her father's arrival in the states. Her at leisure and listless son, 90-year-old Charles, joins her.

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WEEK 1, JUNE 1800

The White House is completed in Washington DC. The Adams family moves in.

WEEK 1, JUNE 2009

On his first visit to the White House, spiritual advisor Reverend Jeremiah Wright convinces President Obama to repaint the White House black.

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WEEK 4, MAY 1986

Hands Across America. Up to 6 million people join hands throughout the US in an unsuccessful attempt to form a human link from coast to coast. This stunt was designed to raise money and awareness over homelessness. It was an utter failure. The goal was to raise $50 million. It raised $20 million but that was offset by an organization cost of $17 million. But it gave the participants a warm feeling inside as they showed that they really cared, and that is what is important.

WEEK 4, MAY 2009

Hands Up America. Up to 300 million Americans are held up by the Hillary Clinton administration as she starts her plan of coerced contributions to an inefficient government healthcare plan and other socialist programs making good on her 2004 promise of, "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."

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WEEK 3, MAY 2007

Former President Carter calls President Bush's administration the "the worst in history" concerning international relations. This is coming from a man who took a spectator seat to the Iran Hostage Crisis and the largest expansion of Soviet influenced communism in history. Suffered the worst reelection defeat in history and had to work his tail off for years following his presidency to try to save his legacy. The American people ask him to resign his role as former president.

WEEK 3, MAY 2009

The US Navy submarine, USS Jimmy Carter, is renamed the USS Bitter Old Man Trying to Create a Legacy

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WEEK 2, MAY 2006

Mexico starts the process to legalize the possession of small amounts of street drugs and soon Mexican border cities are overwhelmed by an influx of American illegal immigrant hippies. The Mexican government briefly considers helping to build a border fence. At the same time, to the north, Canada mulls building a border fence to prevent American liberals from entering their country every time conservatives win an election in the US.

WEEK 2, MAY 2013

President Obama and the US Congress legalize street drugs and use the new source of tax revenue combined with savings in law enforcement expenditures to balance the federal budget, save Social Security and complete the border fence.

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WEEK 1, MAY 1802

Washington DC becomes a city. Construction of what was first called, "The Federal City," in the District of Columbia (named after Columbus) had begun in 1792. The plan was laid out by French born city planner Pierre (later Peter) Charles L'Enfant, a former engineer in Lafayette's Army.

WEEK 1, MAY 2102

On the 300th anniversary of the city, a newly created scientific time machine is used to bring James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington into the present time. After given a quick history of the United States and then viewing the unintended public consequences of welfare and public housing, they ask why the DC slaves had yet to be freed.

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WEEK 4, APRIL 1975

North Vietnamese forces capture Saigon ending the Vietnam War. South Vietnam fell because the US Democrat Congress never gave them the support they had promised afterthe withdrawal of US military forces. This led to unspeakable violence as the communists imprisoned hundreds of thousands of South Vietnamese officials in reeducation camps, where tens of thousands ultimately ended up dying. Up to two million civilians fled the country in terror. Many of them becoming "boat people," half of whom perished at sea.

WEEK 4, APRIL 2011

Al Qaeda forces, backed by Iran, capture Baghdad. The country of Iraq falls and tens of thousands of Iraqis are beheaded. The Democrat Congress and President Barack Obama never gave them the support they had promised after withdrawing US military forces.
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WEEK 3, APRIL 1973

Operation Snow White is started by Scientologists. Led by Mary Sue Hubbard, wife of founder L Ron Hubbard, agents from the church of Scientologist infiltrate government agencies such as the IRS working as employees and try to erase any negative records about Scientology and its leader

WEEK 3, APRIL 2009

Operation Black Death is started by Scientologists to silence such internet groups as Anonymous and 4chan, and the BBC who had been very critical of their cult.

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WEEK 2, APRIL 1997

Tiger Woods is the youngest golfer to win the Masters Tournament at age 21. There is much hubbub about as the politically correct battle of Tiger ownership by hyphenated Americans begins. Tiger is half African-American and half Asian-American. He is either the first Asian-African-American, African-Asian-American, American-African-Asian, American-Asian-African, Asian-American-African, or African-American-Asian to win the Masters. Tiger, much to his credit and showing more maturity and brains than most Americans, de-emphasizes his race.

WEEK 2, APRIL 2025

Sam Woods, the daughter of Tiger and his Swedish wife Elin, comes of age and is classified as an African-Asian-Lutfisk American.

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WEEK 1, APRIL 2006

The ex-wife of country music star Garth Brooks is briefly kidnapped from her house by a former ranch hand. She is eventually released unharmed. It inspires a million selling record by Brooks, "My Ex-Wife was Kidnapped by an Ex-Ranch Hand."

WEEK 1, APRIL 2010

Garth and his third wife Trisha Yearwood, split up inspiring another hit single, "My third wife left me for her fourth husband."

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WEEK 4, MARCH 1933

Prohibition ends so that the Depression plagued US government will have a new source of tax revenue from liquor sales.

WEEK 4, MARCH 2033

Prohibition of street drugs ends so that the deficit plagued US government can have a new source of tax revenue.

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WEEK 3, MARCH 1925

The Tri-State Tornado touches down in the Midwest. It is a mile wide and carves a path 219 miles long through Missouri, Illinois and Indiana killing 700 people in 19 communities. Refusing to bow to Mother Nature, construction industries develop the mobile home and trailer parks as a quick solution for 1000s of surviving displaced families. Future generations of tornadoes remember this.

WEEK 3, MARCH 2025

A small tornado that touches down on a trailer park in Arkansas devours a meth lab and becomes a super-fueled storm that carves a path through six states destroying any mobile home that has Jerry Springer playing on the television, a pregnant teenager, an overweight welfare queen mom, a car up on blocks, appliances on the porch, or a wind chime made out of empty Budweiser cans.

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WEEK 2, MARCH 1975

Billionaire shipping tycoon Aristotle Onassis dies while in the initial stages of divorce proceedings from Jackie Kennedy Onassis. Jackie eventually settles with the Onassis family for $27m. Kennedy had married Onassis, 30 years her senior, in 1968. Years later in 1994, Anna Nicole Smith uses Jackie as a role model when she marries the much older billionaire oil tycoon Howard Marshall. The similarity does not end there. Anna had posed several times for Playboy magazine, and nude paparazzi pictures of Jackie had once appeared in Hustler magazine.

WEEK 2, MARCH 2015

Nude paparazzi pictures of Senator Ted Kennedy surface. The only magazine interested in publishing them is National Geographic.

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WEEK 1, MARCH 2006

The Academy Awards. Actor George Clooney gives a speech congratulating himself and Hollywood for being part of a brave group of people who are progressive stereotype busters. He mentions the historic 1939 Academy Award given to black actress Hattie McDaniel for her role in "Gone with the Wind," along with other historic Hollywood moments. That same night Hollywood gives the Academy Award for Best Original Song to "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp," from the movie Hustle & Flow. Gee, that's a progressive way to bust a stereotype.

WEEK 1, MARCH 2012

The Academy Awards. Organizers hope to start a new trend by starting off the night's events with the playing of the "Star Spangled Banner." The Hollywood elite boo and leave the Kodak Theatre.

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WEEK 4, FEBRUARY 1582

The Vatican issues the Gregorian calendar to replace the Julian calendar. The Julian calendar, in use since 54 BC, was discovered to be too long. The correction had to be made in order to prevent the slowing down of the Earth's rotation. There was widespread fear that this may cause society to drift back in time to the Middle Ages. On a side note, Pope Licentious XIII was the February pin up.

WEEK 4, FEBRUARY 2010

The United States adds another month to the calendar in order to have its citizens work an extra thirty days and pay additional income taxes in order to bring down the federal deficit. The new month is known as Congressember (Congress-Latin for irresponsible morons)

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WEEK 3, FEBRUARY 1945

Venezuela declares war on Nazi Germany. The Germans realize for the first time that they are doomed.

WEEK 3, FEBRUARY 2015

Left wing dictator Hugo Chavez raises an army from the descendents of the South American Nazi Kameradenwerk and starts the 4th Reich in Venezuela.

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WEEK 2, FEBRUARY 1984

The Washington Post reports that presidential candidate and seminary school drop out "Reverend" Jesse Jackson had referred to NYC as "Hymietown." Jackson later apologized and said "God is not finished with me yet." God was still working on Jackson in 2001 when it was revealed that he had fathered a child out of wedlock and used money illegally from his non-profit Rainbow/PUSH coalition to pay off his lover.

WEEK 2, FEBRUARY 2014

We check in with the "Reverend" once again and find out he is not faring much better with his moral choices. In his typical blame shifting fashion, which he had been preaching to Black America all these years, he faults God, who he accuses of being a white racist, and Jesus, who of course, is a Hymie.

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WEEK 1, FEBRUARY 1925

A mad dash sled dog relay carrying an emergency supply of serum for a diphtheria outbreak arrives in Nome, Alaska after traveling over 600 miles through the frozen Alaskan wilderness. The historical event is memorialized each year with the great Alaskan dogsled race known as the Iditarod. Coincidently, 33 years later to the day in 1958, moonshiners from Birmingham, Alabama arrive in Daytona, Florida with an emergency re-supply of bourbon after a mad dash of over 500 miles in their automobiles. This event is commemorated each year with NASCAR's Daytona 500.

WEEK 1, FEBRUARY 2025

Both the Iditarod and Daytona 500 are run for the last time due to concerns over global warming. The cars were releasing too much carbon monoxide and the dogs were releasing too much methane

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WEEK 4, JANUARY 1872

American dentist George Green invents the electric dentist drill. The rest of his life is lost history. It is rumored that he resurfaces in London in 1888 as Jack the Ripper

WEEEK 4, JANUARY 2072

American dentist George Green resurfaces to history once again, confirming my theory that dentists are aliens who want to hurt you

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WEEK 3, JANUARY 1954

French scuba diver Jacques Cousteau makes his first American network television appearance on CBS. Unfortunately his underwater expedition is a disappointment as he fails to find the World War II French Naval vessels Le Courage and Le Backbone. But he does manage to stumble upon the ships Le Traitor, Le Surrender and Le Collaborate.

WEEK 3, JANUARY 2014

President Nicolas Sarkozy of France brings respect back to his country of cheese-eating surrender monkeys by crushing a Muslim rebellion in Paris and North Africa.

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WEEK 2, JANUARY 1815

The Battle of New Orleans ends. America's only notable victory of the entire War of 1812 comes after the war had actually ended. The peace treaty had been signed in Europe in December, but the news had not yet travelled across the Atlantic Ocean to reach the US.

WEEK 2, JANUARY 2015

The Battle of Tehran ends. America's final victory in the Iranian War of 2012 effectively ends the War on Terror. Senator John Kerry (D-MA) applies for another Purple Heart from his office in the US Capitol

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WEEK 1, JANUARY 1994

Tonya Harding's posse clubs Nancy Kerrigan's knee before the US National Figure Skating Championship. Kerrigan recovers and wins a Silver Medal in the Lillehammer Olympics. Harding is banned from skating and ends up with multiple alcohol related arrests, a sex video, and a short career as a boxer.

WEEK 1, JANUARY 2014

A month before the Olympic games in Sochi, Russia, an American pair of figure skaters wins the US National Title with a free-style program that involved a bizarre 20th anniversary commemoration of the Kerrigan attack. The highlight of this program was the male partner's successful combination triple Salchow-double toe loop-single kneecapping.
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WEEK 5, DECEMBER 1989

The Associated Press names hockey star Wayne Gretzky & tennis star Martina Navratilova as co-male Athletes of the Decade.

WEEK 5, DECEMBER 2009

The Associated Press names David Beckham as Athlete of the Year. Incredibly, this is the first time since the award started in 1931 that a soccer player (the world's most popular sport) is honored.

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WEEK 4, DECEMBER 2006

Former President Ford dies. His short presidential term was mostly remembered for his preemptive pardoning of Richard Nixon, who had resigned prior to impeachment. In his first public appearance following the former president's death, fellow former President William Clinton appeals to current President Bush to pardon him for his impeachment.

WEEK 4, DECEMBER 2009

President Hillary Clinton pardons her husband's impeachment.

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WEEK 3, DECEMBER 1969

CBS' "Homecoming, A Christmas Story," introduces America to the Waltons, a large, close-knit American family living through the Great Depression. Their television success allows them to finance a chain of retail stores known as Wal-Mart

WEEK 3, DECEMBER 2009

Former member of the Wal-Mart Board of Directors, President Hillary Clinton, turns out to be a Wal-Mart version of the Manchurian Candidate. She begins to implement the evil Wal-Mart plan to launch the United States back into another Great Depression where personal incomes plummet, soup kitchens sprout up, and a dustbowl environmental disaster strikes the Great Plains.

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WEEK 2, DECEMBER 2006

Kofi Annan ends his run as UN General-Secretary. His term was marked by feckless peacekeeping operations and scandal. When his peacekeepers weren't standing around watching genocide occur, they were engaging in gang rapes and child prostitution. Meanwhile back at UN headquarters, Kofi over watched a massively corrupt Iraqi UN oil for food program that made his son very rich. Kofi tried to cover up the incompetence of the UN by blaming the US and Israel for everything that was going wrong in the world.

WEEK 2, DECEMBER 2011

President Fred Thompson withdraws the US from the UN and starts a rival League of Democracies. Membership is limited to the world's democracies, key leadership and committee positions are voted on, and members are billed equally for dues. The UN, now consisting solely of the world's collection of dictatorships and thugocracies, blames the United States and Israel for its demise.

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WEEK 1, DECEMBER 1918

Iceland becomes an independent state following the bloody and violent Viking Civil War

WEEK 1, DECEMBER 2018

The second Viking Civil War ends when a new ruler arises, Princess Bjork. Iceland, previously known as the most boring place on Earth with Puffins, becomes the most boring place on Earth with questionable musical talent, silly costumes, bad public behavior, and Puffins.

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WEEK 4, NOVEMBER 1987

In New York city, the emerging Civil Rights leader Reverend AL Sharpton and attorneys Alton Maddox and Vernon Mason represent 15-yr-old Tawana Brawley who claims that six white men raped her. After a lengthy and expensive trial the judge rules there was no evidence of a rape. Tawana and her family take the $300,000 victim defense fund, move to Virginia, and leave us with Al Sharpton.

WEEK 4, NOVEMBER 2017

In a class-action suit, America sues Tawana Brawley for giving us 30-years worth of the race-baiting, camera-chasing buffoon who calls himself a Reverend and builds a base of political support and a perpetual source of income by dividing and then galvanizing people by their racial identities.

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WEEK 3, NOVEMBER 1965

Americans are introduced to ready-to-eat Kellogg's Pop Tarts. Days later, Americans are introduced to 2nd degree burns on the roof of their mouths (a phenomenon that curiously becomes known as pizza burn) once they learn to put the Pop Tarts into toasters.

WEEK 3, NOVEMBER 2011

Following the "Milton the Toaster" controversy of the early 70s (kids were shown on the TV commercial hugging the cartoon toaster), and the flaming Pop-Tart lawsuit of the early 90s, Kellogg's suffers another round of embarrassment after choosing Britney Spear, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton as Pop-Tart celebrity endorsers.

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WEEK 2, NOVEMBER 1973

The freighter, SS Edmund Fitzgerald, sinks in Lake Superior with a loss of 29 men. The real tragedy occurs when this event extends the musical career of Canadian folk musician Gordon Lightfoot who releases a popular 1976 song about the doomed ship. The American public, who barely escaped the 1960s with their minds intact after listening to US folk musicians such as Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, the Kingston Trio, and Peter, Paul and Mary, are suddenly find themselves under assault by Canadian folk music.

WEEK 2, NOVEMBER 2010

After four decades of listening to really bad Canadian music, 2010 is declared to be the start of the decade of "No Canadian Music on American Radio Stations. Artists such as Celine Dion, Alanis Morrissette, Nickelback, and Avril Lavigne are banned from American radio. Exceptions are granted to musicians with real talent such as the Cowboy Junkies, Diana Krall, and Jeff Healey

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WEEK 1, NOVEMBER 1917

The end of the October (Bolshevik) Revolution. Lenin seizes absolute power in Russia.

WEEK 1, NOVEMBER 2017

The end of the Second October (Bolshevik) Revolution, Putin seizes absolute power in Russia

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WEEK 5, OCTOBER 1990

The Chunnel, an underwater tunnel built between England and France beneath the English Channel is completed. The French now have a new way to retreat.

WEEK 5, OCTOBER 2008

Muslim riots begin again in France. The French internal security forces, the Genderarmerie Nationale, retreat through the Chunnel to England. The French Parliament forms a new Vichy style government in the finest tradition of the traitorous World War II leader Marshal Petan. The only French leader who stays to fight is President Nicolas Sarkozy who forms a new French underground

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WEEK 4, OCTOBER 1992

Tipper Gore, wife of Vice-Presidential candidate Al Gore, and noted technophobe, admits to covering up the blinking "12:00" on her VCR with black tape because she didn't know how to reset the clock and it was driving her crazy. Family members admit the real reason she covered up the monotonous and irritating blinking light was that it a reminder of her husband's personality and charm.

WEEK 4, OCTOBER 2015

Tipper Gore, an advocate for the mentally ill, has her husband Al involuntarily committed. Despite his Nobel Prize, Al had never recovered from the controversial loss in the 2000 presidential election nor the public embarrassment he suffered in 2012 when it was revealed that global warming was nothing but a big scam concocted to make him rich through the purchase of carbon credits from his alternative energy companies.

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WEEK 3, OCTOBER 2006

Democrat peace activist Cindy Sheehan reports that over the previous summer she had a hysterectomy and buried her uterus at Crawford, TX, near President Bush's home. This is the person that the media and Democrat Congress celebrated as the face of the anti-war movement (At least until she started attacking Hillary's pro-war stance). In 2007 Cindy threatened to move to California and run for Congress against Nancy Pelosi if Pelosi did not try to impeach President Bush. Cindy unbalanced state of mind is par for the course for your typical liberal war protester

WEEK 3, OCTOBER 2008

Cindy Sheehan, running for Congress on the impeach Bush campaign issue, upsets Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in the Democrat Primary on California's 8th District. The Democrat voters in San Francisco County are so stupid they don't seem to understand that President Bush will be leaving office as Cindy is assuming office.

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WEEK 2, OCTOBER 2004

After the 3rd and final presidential debate, the beaten Democrat candidate John Kerry, a Vietnam veteran (in case you hadn't heard), submits himself for another Purple Heart. (4th award)

WEEK 2, OCTOBER 2015

Kerry submits himself in for his record tying 8th Purple Heart. The first three were for dubious wounds received in Vietnam. The fourth was for wounds received in a presidential debate in 2004. The 5th was for selecting a dumb campaign slogan "Kerry-Edwards For a Stronger America". The 6th was for losing the 2004 election. The 7th was for the dumb remark he made about soldiers in Iraq being uneducated (a self-inflicted wound which torpedoed any further hopes of running for the presidency). And the 8th was for being married to Teresa Heinz for 20 years.

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WEEK 1, OCTOBER 1980

Congressman Michael Myers (D-PA) is the first member of the House of Representative to be expelled from the US Congress in over 100 years following his conviction in the ABSCAM corruption investigation. Several other Representatives and one Senator resign. Congressman Jack Murtha (D-PA) escapes prosecution after testifying (ratting) against two of his colleagues.

WEEK 2, OCTOBER 2010

Congressman Jack Murtha (D-PA) tries to sell his soul to the devil, but the devil refuses, citing Murtha's lack of self-respect, honesty, and loyalty. Murtha had lost his last shred of human decency in 2005 when the former Marine accused current Marines of murdering Iraqi civilians in cold blood before an investigation of the alleged incident had even begun. Murtha threw his fellow Marines under the bus in an attempt to give the Republicans a political black eye. Weakening their overall chances in the 2006 Congressional election, and clearing the way for Murtha to become the House Majority Leader (which he failed to do).

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WEEK 4, SEPTEMBER 2006

The New Orleans Superdome reopens for the first time since Hurricane Katrina for a Monday Night Football game. The MNF cast invites black activist Spike Lee into the booth for a rueful discussion on how the country has not done enough to help rebuild homes in New Orleans. They fail to link the $186m price tag to repair the stadium to the controversy. The NFL provided $15m for the repair. The two primary patrons of the Superdome, the New Orleans Saints and Tulane University provide no money at all. The balance of $171m was paid by FEMA ($115m from federal taxpayers), the State of Louisiana ($13m from state taxpayers), and a $41m bond package. $186m could have built 1,000 $186,000 homes.

WEEK 4, SEPTEMBER 2016

Another hurricane strikes New Orleans. Residents take shelter in the Superdome and start looting it, just like they did in 1998 when hurricane Georges struck. Once again the American taxpayers foot the bill for government corruption and mismanagement, and the criminal activity and self destructive behavior of the local residents

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WEEK 3, SEPTEMBER 2006

Madonna starts her latest controversy of her concert tour career by appearing on a crucifix. Catholics worldwide start riots and mass beheadings.

WEEK 3, SEPTEMBER 2010

Madonna starts off another concert tour by performing with a Koran and insulting Islam. No, just kidding. She lacks the moral courage to protest against anything other than the Catholic Church and American morality. Institutions that pose no danger to her

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WEEK 2, SEPTEMBER 1986

Oprah Winfrey's Chicago talk show begins national syndication, thus beginning the Oprahfication of America. We are taught to listen to personal confessions in a nonjudgmental manner within a no-fault universe. We exalt victimhood and eschew personal responsibility. Deviant behavior becomes mainstream.

WEEK 2, SEPTEMBER 2011

America comes back to its senses and stops watching Oprah. Facing plummeting ratings, Oprah is told that her syndicated television contract will not be renewed and she starts to have a celebrity meltdown. It starts off slowly when Oprah begins laughing at her guests' tearful confessions instead of crying along with them. Her remaining fans are lost for good when she recommends OJ's "If I Did it" for her book club. She breaks down on her last show ranting over and over for an hour about the public's obsession with her weight, her love life, her billions, her philanthropy, and her black credentials. The final straw comes when she publicly endorses a conservative Republican for the 2012 election against Hillary on her television show commemorating the 10th anniversary of the World Trade Center bombings. This day becomes known as the liberals' 9/11.

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WEEK 1, SEPTEMBER 1972

At the Munich Summer Olympic Games Palestinian terrorists (pardon the redundancy) infiltrate the Olympic Village, killing two Israeli athletes and kidnapping 9 others. The International Olympic Committee decides in the spirit of the 1936 Nazi Berlin Olympics, that it's just a bunch of Jews and the games must go on. Later, the first rescue attempt of the hostages is thwarted by television crews who broadcast the rescue preparations on live TV, which the Palestinians have access to. Days later, during a second botched rescue attempt, all of the Jewish hostages are killed by the Palestinians.

WEEK 1, SEPTEMBER 2012

Unknown terrorists unsuccessfully attempt to bomb the London Olympic Games. The mainstream media blames Christian terrorists, because, as we all know, all religious people are murderous fanatics

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WEEK 5, AUGUST 1146

In quite possibly history's first attempt at gun control, the Catholic Church tries to outlaw the crossbow. The powerful crossbow could penetrate armor, giving the common man the ability to kill the elite, upper-class knights. Throughout history gun control is used over and over again as a means to keep the lower social classes in line.

WEEK 5, AUGUST 2016

Since Gun-free zones have worked so well in our schools, universities, and churches, upper class liberals are challenged to live up to their own standards and put "Gun-Free Zone" signs on the outside of the houses to see what affect it will have on home invasions.

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WEEK 4, AUGUST 1982

The first international Gay Games (modeled after the Olympics) are held in San Francisco. Inaugural sporting events included team handball, wrestling, throw like a girl, skipping, sashaying like a flight attendant, the wheelbarrow race, and interior decorating.

WEEK, 4 AUGUST 2010

The Gay Games in Cologne, Germany are swept by the French

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WEEK 3, AUGUST 1998

President Clinton appears before a grand jury as part of his impeachment investigation. When asked about his alleged sexual relations with chunky White House intern Monica Lewinsky, Clinton said, "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."

WEEK 3, AUGUST 2008

Former President William Clinton is photographed in a compromising position with chunky Rosie O'Donnell during the Democratic National Convention in Denver. His antics derail his wife's presidential campaign. Stunned liberals inquire about Rosie's sexual orientation and Clinton states, "It depends on what the meaning of lesbian is."

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WEEK 2, AUGUST 480 BC

A force of about 300 Spartans and Thespians led by King Leonidas, hold for several days against a Persian invasion force of several hundred thousand soldiers, led by Xerxes I. The Persian military incompetence against the west becomes legendary during the battle of Thermopylae. The inspired Greeks fight to the last man. SPARTA!! Prepare for Glory!!

WEEK 2, AUGUST 2020

2,500 years after the battle of Thermopylae, the Iranian (former Persian) army, even more militarily incompetent under the leadership of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, are defeated by a force of 300 Tartans (a pattern consisting of crisscrossed horizontal and vertical bands in multiple colors, used mostly in Scottish kilts)

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WEEK 1, AUGUST 1964

Democrat President Lyndon Johnson makes John Kennedy's war official with the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution. I don't know how many times we have to explain this before liberals (like John Kerry who fought in the war-in case you hadn't heard) stop calling Viet Nam Nixon's war. He's the one that ended the war.

WEEK 1, AUGUST 2009

The last American troops pullout of Iraq under a plan started by Republican George W Bush in 2008. Democrat President Hillary Clinton takes credit for ending the war.

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WEEK 5, JULY 2003

WNBA star Lisa Leslie becomes the first female professional basketball player to dunk a basketball in a game. Unless you are a hardcore ESPN SportsCenter viewer you probably missed it because she plays for the Women's National Basketball Association, which no one watches, despite considerable subsidization from both the NBA and ESPN. The politically correct do not understand that the American public generally does not care about female sporting events, especially events involving team sports. We are only occasionally attracted to individual female sporting events with good-looking tennis players or golfers, and pixyish gymnasts.

WEEK 5, JULY 2009

The WNBA folds after the NBA and ESPN, which are tired of hemorrhaging money, withdraw their financial support. The social experiment fails and the liberals blame misogyny, sexism and glass ceilings. Ignoring the fact that there just aren't enough male fans who enjoying watching basketball players who can't jump (sort of essential to the sport), nor enough feminists or lesbian ticket buyers (whom the league openly marketed to). The gender fascists claim victimhood.

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WEEK 4, JULY 1966

The rising popularity of color television gives birth to the National Organization for Women (NOW). While viewing color television for the first time, America's ugly women discovered the hard reality of life when they saw for the first time in living color how they stacked up against attractive women. These unfortunate women formed NOW to give them easier access to the mainstream. Once the ugly women leveled the playing field with the attractive women, they turned their attention to trying to compete with men.

WEEK 4, JULY 2016

Facing drastically declining membership, NOW disbands on its 50th anniversary. Over the previous two decades, mainstream American had caught on to NOW's lack of principle after seeing the organization support President Clinton, a serial womanizer and sexual harasser, and not supporting President Bush who had done perhaps more than anybody for the worldwide women's movement by freeing millions of Muslim women from 8th century social standards. NOW had never been about equality, but all about political power. The only people who had ever taken feminists seriously were other feminists.

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WEEK 3, JULY 1975

American and Soviet spacecraft link up in space for the first time. There is hope that the meeting by the cosmonauts and astronauts will thaw Cold War relations. During this historic event the Soviets open the hatch to their ship and greet the Americans with handshakes and their best vodka. In return the Americans offer their newest alcoholic trend, light beer. The Soviets taste the beverage, spit it out, seal the hatch, start up their engines, and go home. International relations are set back and the Cold War continues for another 15 years.

WEEK 3, JULY 2015

The International Space Station is completed five years over schedule. During the opening ceremony astronauts from various countries celebrate by offering their favorite alcoholic beverages. In an unfortunate event, the politically correct Americans offer non-alcoholic beer to the Russians. The Russians taste the beverage, spit it out, return to their space ship, and go home. The Cold War begins again.

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WEEK 2, JULY 1984

NY Congresswoman Geraldine Ferraro becomes the first female major party VP candidate in US politics after being selected by Democrat presidential candidate Walter Mondale. In November the voters are not impressed. Mondale and Ferraro barely win one state, Mondale's home of Minnesota (by 4,000 votes). They lose to Republican nominee President Ronald Reagan and VP George H Bush. This is the most lopsided victory since FDR's 1936 re-election victory over Alfred Landon.

WEEK 2, JULY 2008

NY Senator Hillary Clinton becomes the second female major party VP candidate in US politics after being selected by Democrat presidential candidate Barrack Obama. In November the voters are not impressed. Obama and Clinton barely win one state, their home state of Illinois losing to Republican nominee Mitt Romney and his running mate Fred Thompson. This is the most lopsided victory since 1984.

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WEEK 1, JULY 1916

World War I-The Battle of the Somme. After 18 months of war on the Western Front the European allies are frustrated by the stalemate of trench warfare. The French, who are mired at the battle of Verdun, ask the British to attack another part of the German lines. The British chose the area around Somme. The British launch their attack with a new battlefield tactic called "Going over the Top," which is essentially a simple plan to make the Germans waste as much ammunition as possible on the unprotected soldiers crossing through "no-man's land." 20,000 British soldiers fall on the very first day. Over the next 5 months there are 1,000,000 casualties.

WEEK 1, JUL 2016

The Global War on terror- The US Army tries a new battlefield tactic to bring peace to the Middle East by redeploying back to the states and taking the entire nation of Israel with them. The method works as the self-loathing Islamic lunatics, who now have no one else to blame for their psychopathic social backwardness, turn on themselves with suicide bombs, RPGs, AK-47s, and beheadings. After 1,000,000 casualties more moderate Arabs and Persians bring peace to the area.

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WEEK 4, JUN 1908

The Tunguska Event-A mysterious explosion tears through over 2,000 sq km of Siberia. It rips down an estimated 80 million trees and was later estimated to be 10-15 megatons in size. The most common explanation is a meteor, but a crater is never found. Other theories include an airburst of the meteor, a small traveling black hole, a volcano, anti-matter, UFOs, and an experiment by Nikola Tesla. In May of 2007, a new search of the area claims to have found artifacts with alien writings.

WEEK 4, JUNE 2008

A gathering of noted celebrity environmentalists led by Leonardo DiCaprio, Daryl Hannah, Sheryl Crow and Charlie Sheen gather at an environmental awareness seminar in Seattle, WA. A bizarre, unexplained phenomenon occurs when their negative IQs combine to form a black hole of intellect. The black hole of mental power results in fallout that devastates all plant life in an area roughly the size of the Oregon Territory.

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WEEK 3, JUNE 1837

Eighteen-year-old Queen Victoria sits on the throne in England. She does not get off the throne for 63 years.

WEEK 3 JUNE 2012

In the 60th year of Queen Elizabeth II's reign, Prince Charles uses his New Age spiritualism to attempt to conjure up the spirit of Queen Victoria in order to ask her help in removing his mother off the throne so that he may assume the title, King of England. The spirit of Diana, Princess of Wales, appears instead and tells Charles that she will help him if he slaps Elton John for using a recycled song about Marilyn Monroe for her funeral.

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WEEK 2, JUNE 1990

The UN appoints Australian pop star Olivia Newton John as its environmental ambassador. At last, we could finally start taking the august UN seriously, and bestow celebrity environmental scientists (like John, Di Caprio and Crow) with the respect they deserve.

WEEK 2, JUNE 2010

The US finally pulls out of the UN and sends the organization, along with all of our celebrity scientists, back through the Xanadu and into the spirit realm they all came from

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WEEK 1, JUNE 1974

The Cleveland Indians hold a 10-cent beer night promotion at their baseball game. Stroh's beer is served as the Indians play the Texas Rangers. The Indians have to forfeit due to the rowdiness of the Cleveland fans. The fans thought they were over-charged for the Stroh's. This promotion is never repeated. Ever.

WEEK 1, JUNE 2014

The tolerance Nazis finally force the Cleveland Indians to change their team name to something more politically correct. The former Indians, now the Cleveland "Rock n Rollers," thumb their noses at the liberals one last time by holding a 25-cent "firewater" (whiskey) night promotion.

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WEEK 5, MAY 2006

Prince Albert II of Monaco admits to having a second illegitimate child. He immediately becomes a projected first round pick in the upcoming NBA draft.

WEEK 5, MAY 2028

Prince Albert II dies and the city-state of Monaco slips into a civil war as his two bastard children vie for the throne. Albert's son Alexandre Coste, aka Alex the Mediocre, falls in battle on the streets of Monte Carlo, his armor pierced by the bolt from a crossbow. Albert's daughter Jazmin Grace Grimaldi, the black princess, seizes the throne and has her two aunts Princesses Caroline and Stephanie, and their children, beheaded to ensure that no one challenges her reign.

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WEEK 4, MAY 1971

The Boeing 2702, America's first commercial supersonic jet that was intended to compete with the European Concorde, is officially cancelled after pressure from environmentalists. The panicked environmentalist claim that the jets would cause both noise pollution, and damage to the ozone which would result in global COOLING!! The new science of environmentalism is a pseudo-science created by unemployed hippies. (I know. "Unemployed hippies" is redundant.)

WEEK 4, MAY 2021

After the global cooling panic of the 70s and the global warming panic of the 90s, the new environmental pseudo-science panic becomes global temperating.

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WEEK 3, MAY 1992

17-year-old Amy Fisher shoots Mary Jo Buttafuoco, wife of her adult lover, in the face. A trial ensues giving America a glimpse of everything they love to see; adultery, statutory rape, a teenage prostitute, an attempted murder, a survivable bullet wound to the head, and a man with the name Joey Buttafuoco. Amy serves 7-years in prison for aggravated assault, and Joey serves 4-months for statutory rape. Amy leaves prison and becomes a newspaper columnist, wife and mother. Joey bounces in an out of prison on different charges. The Buttafuocos marriage survives until 2003. In 2006 Joey and Amy are reunited for the coin toss at the Lingerie bowl. In 2006 Amy, Joey and Mary are reunited on The Insider TV show. We have too many TV channels.

WEEK 3, MAY 2009

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer appoints Amy Fisher to fill the Senate seat recently vacated by President Hillary Clinton. It is rumored that the obviously unqualified Fisher was selected because she either blackmailed Spitzer with old credit card receipts from her days as a teenage prostitute, or she threatened to shoot Spitzer's wife in the face.

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WEEK 2, MAY 2006

Jodie Foster, an Academy Award winning actress, celebrated producer and director, mother of two children of unnamed fathers, and magna cum laude graduate of Yale (a degree in literature), gives the commencement speech at Penn and quotes a celebrated poet. Which poet was it? Was it Emily Dickinson? No. Robert Frost? No. Langston Hughes? No. It was Eminem! Foster even offers her own, bizarre rendition of one of his songs. Parents of the graduating senior class demand their tuition money back, and Penn gives her an honorary doctorate.

WEEK 2, MAY 2020

Foster discloses the names of the fathers of her two sons. Foster claims that Eminem is the father of her son Charles, born in 1998, and John Hinckley Jr. is the father of her son, Kit, who was born in 2001. Hinckley and Foster had developed a relationship after he started supervised visits outside of his mental hospital in 1999. Eminem and Hinckley, an amateur songwriter, team up to write a song about the ordeal.

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WEEK 1, MAY 1997

The winning time for the Kentucky Derby is the slowest in a century. The winning horse, Uninspired, finishes at 2:26 ahead, just ahead of Rush Hour Traffic and Thoroughdead. The rest of the field:

Quaalude
Super Slo Mo
Mother of Molasses
Glacier
Department of Motor Vehicles
Edsel
Fermentation
Decaf
Future Glue
Tripod
Dump Truck
O.J.'s White Bronco
Al Gore Speech
Inertia

WEEK 1, MAY 2025

On the 150th anniversary of the Kentucky Derby, the state of Kentucky decides to rename Churchill Downs, since Churchill was not an American and did not like horses. The name of the famous racetrack is changed to Hillary Downs for the following reasons: It is only interesting about once a year and mostly over-hyped, there are plenty of old warhorses with big butts and skinny legs, there is never a safe bet, there is plenty of horse poop to go around, it is just a race around a circle with nobody getting anywhere, and the rich people get all the right seats with the common Joes stuck down in the mud

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WEEK 4, APRIL1912

Vladimir Lenin directs the "voice of Bolshevism" newspaper, Pravda (the truth), to start publishing. While exiled in Vienna, he receives the initial copy, as well as a copy of the New York Times. He is enraged that the Pravda welcomes discussion from both sides of the political spectrum. He recommends changes to the Pravda based on the New York Times model and the Pravda soon speaks of nothing but Bolshevisms. Once the Bolsheviks take power in Russia, a subscription to the Pravda becomes mandatory for most Soviets.

WEEK 4, APRIL 2012

Besieged by low circulation numbers, The New York Times convinces President Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Congress to honor the memory of Pravda by making a subscription to their newspaper mandatory for all Americans.

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WEEK 3, APRIL 1951

GEN Douglas McArthur's farewell speech to Congress: "[In war], there is no alternative than to apply every available means to bring it to a swift end. War's very object is victory, not prolonged indecision. In war there is no substitute for victory." This advice was ignored in Korea, Vietnam, and the Middle East. Heck, what did McArthur know? After all he was just a three war veteran, General of the Army, the most decorated US soldier of WW I, a CMH winner, and the son of a CMH winner.

WEEK 3, APRIL 2009

Shortly after taking over the Presidency and both houses of Congress, the democrats, led by President Al Gore, order all US troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan. In Al Gore's famous cut and run speech he explains, "…when a war is a tie, nobody loses and everybody wins!"

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WEEK 2, APRIL 1947

Jackie Robinson becomes the first black ballplayer to play Major League baseball as he enters a game with the Brooklyn Dodgers. Lost to history is the name Eddie Klepp. Klepp was the first white to play in the Negro Leagues, 1946.

WEEK 2, APRIL 2013

5 years after he retires and during his first year of eligibility, Barry Bonds is the first black baseball player with unquestionable performance numbers to be snubbed by the baseball writers, and not inducted into the Hall of Fame. He joins white players Shoeless Joe Jackson, Hal Chase, Eddie Cicotte, Pete Rose and Mark McGwire who did not make it into Cooperstown despite their remarkable on-field career performances. The first group of players players were excluded on a moral basis. Bonds is snubbed because he is basically unliked by every person on the planet.

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WEEK 1, APRIL 1982

Allegations of Satanic ritual child sexual abuse begin in a daycare in Kern County, FL. This leads to further allegations throughout the 1980s to include better-known cases as the McMartin, Fells Acre, Wee Care, and Little Rascals preschools. Before it all ends convictions lead to jail time for up to 14 years for some of the owners before they are released from prison. Police are accused of feeding the hysteria by leading the children during interrogations. Psychologists fuel the fire by coaxing "repressed memories" out of the children. The whole thing is a 20th century Salem Witch Trial. If you denied the problem existed you were guilty. If you were guilty you could only get leniency if you named others

WEEK 1, APRIL 2012

A Global Warming denying pre-school teacher is arrested and taken to trial. He is threatened with being burned at the stake. He argues at trial that a public burning will add to the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere. He is sentenced to 10 consecutive viewings of Al Gore's "Inconvenient Truth. He asks the judge to reconsider the public burning

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WEEK 4, MARCH 1603

King James VI of Scotland is the first King to rule over England, Ireland and Scotland. He takes the name King James I of Great Britain. He becomes a well-known witch hunter and has a Bible named after him. He later goes senile and is the possible inspiration for Shakespeare's witch tormented character MacBeth.

WEEK 4, MARCH 2009

Queen Elizabeth II dies and Prince Charles assumes the throne as King Charles III. He joins President Al Gore in the Global War on Warming. Later they are joined by Russian leader Vladimir Putin. Putin, Gore, and Charles III build a left wing triad that is reminiscent of the great right wing triad of the 80s; Reagan, Thatcher and Pope John Paul II.

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WEEK 3, MARCH 1979

Television network C-SPAN debuts with a speech by Congressman Al Gore (D-TN) setting the standard of tedium for the network.

WEEK 3, MARCH 2009

President Al Gore celebrates the 30th anniversary of C-SPAN with an exciting 3 1/2-hour speech justifying his decision to commit the US to a Global War on Warming

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WEEK 2, MARCH 1918

The US officially adopts Daylight Savings Time in order to shorten the amount of time it took to send troops and military supplies to Europe

WEEK 2, MARCH 2018

Vampires win Supreme Court case to stop Daylight Savings Time.

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WEEK 1, MARCH 468

Pope Simplicius succeeds Pope Hilarius. (I didn't make this one up.)

WEEK 1, MARCH 2016

Pope Benedict XVI dies. Pope Florentine I (Peter the Roman) succeeds him. According to prophecy, this is the last Pope of the Catholic Church. The apocalypse arrives.

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WEEK 4, FEBRUARY 2006

New Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts and Associate Justice Samuel Alito quickly learn about the respect, honor, grace, esteem, and sagacity of the much revered court as one of the first cases they hear deals with the gold digging former stripper, Playboy Playmate, and reality show star Anna Nicole Smith. The 30-something Smith was in a legal battle over the $1B estate of her dead 90-something husband.

WEEK 4, FEBRUARY 2015

The seven-year-old daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith stars in her own reality show entitled "Who's My Daddy?" It runs for 14 seasons as she interviews an extensive collection of candidates.

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WEEK 3, FEBRUARY 1965

The rival Nation of Islam assassinates Malcolm X, an African-American nationalist and religious leader, with a shotgun blast to the chest while he was addressing the Organization of Afro-American Unity during National Brotherhood Week. Unity and brotherhood!

WEEK 3, FEBRUARY 2014

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton get into a legal battle over the financially lucrative right to sponsor the celebration of the 50 anniversary of the death of Malcolm X during National Brotherhood Week at the Organization of African-American Unity

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WEEK 2, FEBRUARY 2006

In America's second duel involving a Vice-President, Dick Cheney shoots Texas lawyer Harry Whittington. Whittington survives the duel, unlike the victim of America's first duel that involved a Vice President. Alexander Hamilton died in 1804 after VP Aaron Burr shot him. Burr later resigns and is later held for treason for attempting to crown himself emperor over part of the new Louisiana Territory

WEEK 2, FEBRUARY 2012

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney goes off the deep end and is arrested and charged with treason after attempting to form a breakaway western republic in Wyoming.

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WEEK 1, FEBRUARY 1820

The first freed African American slaves from the United States are returned to present day Liberia in an experiment sponsored by the American Colonization Society. This was an attempt to repatriate former slaves back to Africa. These blacks thus became African-American-American-Africans

WEEK 1, FEBRUARY 2020

After years of on again-off again civil wars, thousands of Liberian refugees are granted permission to immigrate to the US. Many of them are descendents of former US slaves who were repatriated back to Liberia in the 1820s. The new immigrants thus become African-American-American-Africans-African-Americans

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WEEK 5, JANUARY 1985

"We are the World" is recorded. Dozens of millionaire pop musicians, one-hit wonders, and has-beens stage a publicity coup by sacrificing a few days out of their lives in an air-conditioned and catered music studio to make a record that you can buy and that starving Africans can't eat. Just to show they care.

WEEK 5, JANUARY 2010

Africans are still starving despite 50 years of failed government and charitable programs that waste trillions of dollars, and a few hours of work in a recording studio by pop musicians, who really care.

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WEEK 4, JANUARY 1981

52 American hostages are released by their Iranian captors after 444 days of captivity. This event coincides with the inauguration of President Ronald Reagan. The Iranians, who have held the captives since 1979, have a change in heart when a president with a spine takes office.

WEEK 4, JANUARY 2009

On the day that a Democrat is inaugurated as US President, the Iranians launch simultaneous military attacks into US occupied Afghanistan and Iraq without fear of reprisal

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WEEK 3, JANUARY 1986

The first Martin Luther King Jr national holiday. This is the High, Holy Holiday for the American liberal politician. It is the only day of the year you will find a liberal politician inside of a church. It will be a black church as they work to exploit the black vote

WEEK 3, JANUARY 2036

On the 50th anniversary of the first Martin Luther King, Jr. federal holiday, it finally dons on Congress that this is the only American who has a holiday named after him. Though King was certainly a great American, it would be hard to call him the greatest. The holiday is changed to the Great American Day and a different American is chosen from a rotating list each year

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WEEK 3, JANUARY 1986

WEEK 3, JANUARY 2036

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WEEK 2, JANUARY 1995

Republicans gain control of Congress after more than 40 years of Democratic control. Even with subsequent victories in the Senate and Presidency earning Republicans the rare trifecta, nothing changes. It is business as usual in the federal government with rapid growth, overspending, high taxes, pork barrel projects, Potomac Fever, corruption, and incumbency protection rackets.

WEEK 2, JANUARY 2025

Republicans regain control of Congress after 18 years of Democratic control. Even with subsequent victories in the Senate and Presidency earning Republicans the rare trifecta, nothing changes. It is business as usual in the federal government with rapid growth, overspending, high taxes, pork barrel projects, Potomac Fever, corruption, and incumbency protection rackets.

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WEEK ONE, JANUARY 1980

A tough talking President Jimmy Carter announces an American boycott of the 1980 Moscow Olympics as a protest of the Soviet Army's December 1979 invasion of Afghanistan. Tensions build as a terrified Kremlin responds with "So what." The boycott did not deter the USSR in Afghanistan nor bring down the Berlin Wall. It just caused our own athletes to suffer as the Soviets garnered more Gold Medals since their biggest rival was absent. The Soviets reciprocate in 1984 by boycotting the Los Angeles Olympics giving us our own mediocre Gold Medal winners like Mary Lou Retton.

WEEK ONE, JANUARY 2010

Canada becomes the first 3d world country to host the Olympic games for the second time. The Vancouver Winter Games come 22 years after the 1988 Calgary Winter Games

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WEEK 5, DECEMBER 1862

The modern version of the bowling ball is invented by baseball pioneer Abner Doubleday. Brigadier General Doubleday gets the idea after watching Union artillery mow down densely packed, formation bound Confederate infantry during the December 10th battle of Fredericksburg, VA.

WEEK 5, DECEMBER 2011

Facing declining popularity, the sport of bowling undergoes a makeover. The United States Bowling Congress moves from Wisconsin to California, Bowling Alleys are officially renamed Bowling Centers, fine cuisine is introduced into the snack bars, the beer frame is replaced by the wine frame, and fashionable footwear is invented to spread the sport's appeal beyond small town America. Certain bowling terms are also updated to become more politically correct. Strikes and spares are now known as hugs and good job, a gutter ball is simply out of bounds, and a split is called an uh-oh.

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WEEK 4, DECEMBER 2005

Iraqi Sunnis start whining, crying and protesting the results from the first democratic election in the 3,000 year history of the country, which they boycotted, and lost to the Shi'ites.

WEEK 4, DECEMBER 2008

Iraqi Sunnis renamed Democrat Party of Iraq.

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WEEK 3, DECEMBER 1964

Canada adopts the Maple Leaf Flag. Their previous flag was the Crossed Hockey Sticks

WEEK 3, DECEMBER 2022

Canada adopts a new flag. The Stars and Stripes

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WEEK 2, DEC 1957

Louisiana-born bad boy rocker Jerry Lee Lewis, nicknamed "The Killer," age 22, marries his cousin Myra Gale Brown, aged 13, while still married to Jane Mitcham

WEEK 2, DEC 2007

Louisiana-raised bad girl rocker Britney Spears, nicknamed "The Swiller," age 26, marries her first cousin Cletus, while still married to Kevin Federline

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WEEK 1, DECEMBER 1978

Diane Feinstein is named first female mayor of San Francisco after the shooting death of Mayor George Moscone and City Supervisor Harvey Milk. Frank Jordan, who served from 92-96 and once showered nude with two male disc jockeys for a publicity stunt, is considered to be the second female mayor of San Francisco.

WEEK 1, DECEMBER 2022

The eccentric voters of San Francisco elect Rice-a-Roni, "The San Francisco Treat," as the first boxed food item mayor of their city

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WEEK 5, NOVEMBER 1942

Toulon, (Vichy) France. In their only naval triumph of WW II, the French Navy scores a tremendous victory by sinking 2 battle cruisers, 4 heavy cruisers, 2 light cruisers, 1 aircraft transport, 30 destroyers and 16 submarines that all belonged to the French Navy. They scuttled their own ships to prevent them from falling into German hands.

WEEK 5, NOVEMBER 2013

The French Navy changes its motto from, "Honneur, Patrie, Valeur, Discipline" (Honor, Homeland, Valor, Discipline) to "Fromage mangeant de singes de reddition" (Cheese eating surrender monkeys.)

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WEEK 4, NOVEMBER 1998

The federal lawsuit against "big" tobacco is settled with what becomes known as the Master Settlement Agreement. The bottom line of this agreement is that the states and their lawyers got billions of dollars a year from the major cigarette makers, the big four tobacco companies got protection from liability and competition, and the smokers got stuck with the bill. This arrangement undermined the rule of law and set a precedent for shaking down politically unpopular industries. It represented a new source of revenue for states that have taxed their citizens to the breaking point. Money gathered in the agreement was supposedly earmarked for healthcare. More often than not the money was simply added to each states' general fund.

WEEK 4, NOVEMBER 2028

A new federal lawsuit aimed at fast food restaurants moves to raise revenue for the government, increase the power of the nanny-states, punish the citizens, and add to the wealth of the lawyers. The shadowy, behind-the-scenes celebrity figure who was the impetus for the lawsuit turns out to be a relapsed 455-pound Jared S. Fogle (the Subway guy)

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WEEK 3, NOVEMBER 1990

The Milli Vanilli Grammy scandal rocks the music world. The power pop duo are forced to give back their Grammy after it is revealed that they are nothing more than lip-synching, spandex-clad dancers posing as singers. Why they were selected for reprimand out of all of the lip-synching, spandex-clad dancers posing as singers on MTV is still a mystery.

WEEK 3, NOVEMBER 2012

The National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences makes a special announcement of a new award to be presented for the first time at the 2013 Grammy Awards. The "For Heaven's Sakes Please End Your Career Already" Award will honor those artists who have stayed around a little too long. The Rolling Stones become the odds on favorite to take the award.

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WEEK 2, NOVEMBER 2005

An off-year election produces a sweep of democratic victories in a few state offices. For the first time in 5 years, the Democrats do not protest the election. There are no cries of "voter disenfranchisement" and "count all of the votes." It seems that all it takes to avoid a Democratic vote protest is a democratic victory. Apparently the democrats believe that the US had suddenly fixed all of the balloting problems that plagued the 2000 and 2004 elections.

WEEK 2, NOVEMBER 2008

Citing polls results pointing toward a Democratic sweep of a majority of the national offices in the upcoming elections, the mainstream media asks Congress to use the results of the polls that they have carefully crafted instead of the vote counts to decide who wins the national races.

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WEEK 1, NOVEMBER 1989

The Berlin Wall falls. Here are the top ten liberal responses that were published on that date

"At last, communism will now be able to spread to the West." -ABC News

"Let's get a list of apparatchiks that we can invite to speak at the spring commencement." -Harvard University

"Well at least we will finally see the Soviet paradise on the other side." -NPR

"The people of East Germany have been brainwashed by American radio broadcasts. They don't understand the evil side of freedom, democracy and capitalism." -Newsweek

"Now we can deal openly with Pravda and learn their methods." -PBS

"We expect to now see a huge exodus of people moving from Western Europe to the East." -Time Magazine

"I wish those people with the sledgehammers would stop. Think of the damage the concrete dust is doing to the ozone." -Al Gore

"We will finally get to see a workers' paradise in action producing superior goods and better healthcare." -Hillary Clinton

"Maybe now we will be able to search the historical documents and prove that Stalin was such a much nicer guy than Hitler." -CBS News

"Once they come on this side of the wall, they won't be happy with what they see and they will go back to communism." -The New York Times

WEEK 1, NOVEMBER 2009

Construction begins on the Border Fence between the US and Mexico. The 700-mile fence covers a little over 1/3 of the distance of the actual border. It incorporates the best engineering features of some of history's greatest barriers; the walls of Jericho, the Wailing Wall, the Great Wall of China, Hadrian's Wall, the Korean DMZ, the Berlin Wall, the Israeli West Bank barrier, and Boston's Green Monster. Hallibruton is given a no-bid contract to build it with illegal alien slave labor.

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WEEK 5, OCTOBER 1969

Wal-Mart is incorporated on Halloween Day. Liberals note the Satanic origin.

WEEK 5, OCTOBER 2035

After 66 years of stealing the souls of all who work there, Wal-Mart finds a way to steal the souls of all the children who enter and purchase Halloween costumes

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WEEK 4, OCTOBER 1415

The Battle of Agincourt, France. Despite a historic English victory over an overwhelmingly superior French army, the English people demand that King Henry V bring the soldiers home after the 78th year of the running conflict known as the "Hundred Years' War." English liberal protestors shout, "We're in a quagmire! What is the exit strategy? How do we define victory? It is time to cut and run! No blood for soil!"

WEEK 3, OCTOBER 2015

The liberal American peace movement finally comes to their senses. They realize that it is a contradiction to say that they don't support the war but do support the troops. They admit that they hate the troops because volunteer troops remind them of something they do not have, courage. They recognize that peace movements actually prolong wars and that peace can only follow a victory, not an armistice. They come to terms with their prejudice against Arabs who they believe are not worth a democracy. And they understand that they were only using a stand of nonviolence to try to showcase moral superiority and hide their cowardice. Liberals everywhere across the nation rush to join the Army and form the 2d Abraham Lincoln brigade honoring their liberal ancestors who volunteered to fight in the Spanish Civil War. -Alright, I might be wrong with this prediction.

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WEEK 3, OCTOBER 1995

The first Million Man March for Black unity is held in Washington DC. It is organized by the racist, anti-Semitic, and sexist Nation of Islam. It is eerily similar to the first national KKK march for White unity in Washington DC in August of 1925. The official participation count at the end of the day is approximately 300,000 participants. Nation of Islam leaders insist the number was one million. This sadly illustrates just how far behind these leaders have fallen in mathematics.

WEEK 3, OCTOBER 2015

The first Million Mexican Leap over the new border fence is held in Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas.

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WEEK 2, OCTOBER 1922

Alaska Davidson becomes the first female FBI special agent. (Turns out it was J Edgar Hoover in drag)

WEEK 2, OCTOBER 2008

The FBI's long awaited upgrade to its decades old IT infrastructure finally goes online. The Sentinel project was created after the bureau wasted over $300 million on the failed Trilogy (Virtual Case File) project, which was discarded in 2000. An external audit conducted in 2007 discovered that over $100 million from the Trilogy project was actually diverted to a top secret FBI attempt to resurrect the long dead former director J. Edgar Hoover. An anonymous former FBI department head was quoted as saying, "You have to understand after a decade of bungled events that included Waco, the '93 World Trade Center bombing, Richard Jewel, Ruby Ridge, and the infamous FBI laboratory, we were desperate for leadership."

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WEEK 1, OCTOBER 1992

The US House of Representatives bank (actually a clearinghouse exclusive to members of Congress) reported that Congressmen owed a collective $300,000 in bad checks. The "Rubbergate" check kiting scandal had been bubbling below the surface since the beginning of the year and finally rose to the surface as election time drew near. 77 House members either resigned or did not run for re-election. Four ex-congressmen, the house sergeant-at-arms, and the Washington DC delegate were indicted.

WEEK 1, OCTOBER 2020

Another scandal strikes Capitol Hill. "Egogate" results in 33 useless and self-important senators, and 435 worthless and self-delusional congressmen running for re-election

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WEEK 4, SEPTEMBER 1998

St Louis Cardinal Mark McGwire and Chicago Cub Sammy Sosa end one of the most historic races in Major League Baseball history. McGwire sets a new Major League record and wins the season steroid homerun race with a record 70 injections over Sosa's 66.

WEEK 4, SEPTEMBER 2012

Williamsport, VA. A steroid controversy shakes the Little League World Series as the team from Taiwan shows up with a lineup of 11-12 year olds who average 6'1" in height and 185 lbs in weight.

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WEEK 3, SEPTEMBER 2005

Two Iraqi war veterans start a new chapter in their lives. Jessica Lynch, an attractive female soldier who played an inconsequential role in a disastrous ambush is propagandized as a hero, given a fistful of medals, a welcome home parade, and a scholarship to start college. Lynndie England, an unattractive female soldier who played a minor role in a disastrous prison scandal is propagandized as a scapegoat, gives birth to an illegitimate child, and starts a prison sentence. The bottom line is both of these West Virginia girls learned a hard lesson in how the American media treat people. The attractive Lynch is given credit for something she did not do and made a hero. The unattractive England is assigned blame for something she played a minor role in and sent to prison.

WEEK 3, SEPTEMBER 2015

Two Iraqi war veterans start a new chapter in their lives. 32-year-old Jessica Lynch, schoolteacher and homemaker, makes a comfortable living from money received from book deals, movies, and speaking appearances. 33-year-old Lynndie England lives in a trailer park with 4 children, Marlboros, lottery tickets and Jack Daniels supported by welfare and the occasional child support check from one of three different deadbeat dads.

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WEEK 2, SEPTEMBER 1814

Francis Scott Key publishes the "Star Spangled Banner." It does not become the National Anthem until 1931. Jimi Hendix immortalizes it in 1969. Roseanne shames it in 1990. Whitney Houston performs the most beautiful rendition in 1991. Olympian Carl Lewis is asked to sing it at a Chicago Bulls game in 1993 and has never been asked to sing in public again

WEEK 2, SEPTEMBER 2011

The American national anthem, "Star Spangled Banner," is replaced by "God Bless America." The congressional bill states the following 6 reasons for the change:
1. The "Star Spangled Banner" was too hard to sing
2. The song was too specific (It was about one battle from one war)
3. It was composed by a lawyer
4. It was based on an English tune, the kingdom we rebelled from
5. It didn't mention the name America
6. It's replacement, "God Bless America," was written by Irving Berlin, a Jew. This would piss off the Muslims.

The new National Anthem becomes official on the 10th anniversary of 9/11

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WEEK 1, SEPTEMBER 1666

The Great Fire of London. Londoners find a rather unscientific cure for the bubonic plague. They organize a fire telethon to burn down their city and rid it of disease carrying rats. 13,000 homes are destroyed leaving 100,000 homeless, but they are free of disease

WEEK 1, SEPTEMBER 2016.

On the 50th anniversary of the Jerry Lewis Telethon somebody finally asks the obvious question. Why hasn't the disease been cured with the billions of dollars he has raised over the years? An official audit determines that most of the money was being used to keep Jerry Lewis alive.

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WEEK 5, AUGUST 1949

The USSR explodes its first atomic bombs after international nuclear experts claim that they were 5-10 years away from developing an A-bomb. This same week in 1953 The USSR explodes its first hydrogen bomb after international nuclear experts claim that they were 5-10 years away from developing an H-bomb.</